What is the number one thing to annoy you on the tube?

To celebrate The Little Book of Tube Etiquette now being available as a paperback in time for Christmas, I'd like to revisit what got me writing about tube etiquette in the first place.

One cold, wet and windy day, when all tubes were most definitely not 'operating a good service', and people's behaviour was shocking as a result, I met with my girlfriends and over a few bottles of wine we started reeling off all the behaviours of people on the tube that most irritated us.

From the lack of understanding of personal space, to clogging up the entrances and exits in the tube stations, playing deafeningly loud music to couples snogging and slurping cramped up against your ear and, of course not forgetting, the eponymous daring to get on the tube before we can get off, we soon had enough to get me thinking about filling a book and off I started writing.  Having commuted using the tube every day for several years, it wasn't long before I had more than enough to fill several books but what made it into The Little Book of Tube Etiquette were the experiences I thought were more common, rather than some of my rather more random ones (and there have been some very random ones!)

Everyone I speak to about The Little Book of Tube Etiquette has their own worst irritation, whether it's one of the above or something more obscure that I either havent experienced myself or didn't end up including in the book.

So, in the aim of recognising everyone's foibles and etiquette suggestions, I'd like to collect what people's all time top tube etiquette rule should be, based on a bad experience or irritation.

Please either tweet me @LauraKing14, email me at LauraKing14@hotmail.com or post on this blog your most irksome display of poor tube etiquette or suggested etiquette rule and, if you want to, the experience or reasoning for it being your number one.

I will publish the most popular and also the most obscure in a month's time.



Laura King is the author of The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, available now in paperback from Waterstones, Amazon and a number of online retailers priced at £4.99. The hardback is also available at Foyles and Cards Galore.
Follow me on twitter @LauraKing14

Train stalkers - they're here, they're there, they're lurking everywhere...

The last few months I have acquired my very own train stalker.

So I get my most regular morning train from Polegate to London Bridge at 7.23am (I say most regular as quite often it's the 6.33am or GASP, the 5.50am) and I have my routine: I read the paper the three stops to Plumpton and then get comfortable and sleep the rest of the journey.

The last three months however, one lady has single-handedly contravened this routine. On she gets at Plumpton, just when I'm about to sleep and always, without fail, she sits beside me. This, you understand, is despite the clear availability of at least 50 other empty seats in the same carriage. 

Perhaps she likes me, you might wonder. Wonder again.

When it started, I thought I was being intolerant which, readers of my blog will know, I can be prone to.  Being continuously bumped by pointy elbows and kicked by flailing feet by the person next to you is part of the deal you sign up to when you buy an Oyster Card and use the tube. But when it's consistently throughout your long overground journey it becomes a little aggravating, particularly when, over the months there have been coffee spills without apology and smirks when particularly sharp jabs have come my way.

I know what you are thinking, either get on with it or switch seats away from the pointy jabby woman.  Tried that. This overbearing woman seeks me out. I have tried almost every seat in the carriage but she always finds me and it's only a matter of seconds once she's sat down that my torment begins, and continues all the way to  London.

You see, I like sitting beside the radiator which also happens to be a window seat and inevitably leaves the seat next to me vacant - as it does many other passengers - until her stop when several people get on, always her first, no doubt so she can corner me quickly.

I tried muttering quietly 'oh no' when she came towards me but it made no difference. In my paranoid state I wondered whether she knows I'm the author of 'The Little Book of Tube Etiquette' and is teaching me a lesson, or perhaps, helpfully giving me more blog fodder (success if so).  Perhaps she is merely jealous of my ability to sleep anywhere and likes to ensure I remain awake.

I fear she just enjoys persecuting me. Either way it's unacceptable behaviour to ruin my snooze.

So I've taken evasive action. This morning, I remained fully alert as the train rolled into Plumpton station. I clocked her at the platform, eyeing up my seat with glee, elbows at the ready.  As she got on the train I jumped up and switched seats at the last minute. Unfortunately I didn't manage to get my coveted radiator seat in the switch but small mercies and all that.

Hopefully I've made my point to her. But, if not, I will keep trying this technique and others until I get both a radiator seat and a stalker-free journey to work.

Because when you live as far outside of London as I do, you need to grab all the extra zzzzz's you can...

Driver-less tubes? A good idea?

So, a key part of the mayoral election will centre around proposals to make radical changes to the London Underground system.

Under these changes, tube trains will become driverless by 2021 with phased changes over the years beforehand starting as early as 2013 with some trials taking place next year. All but 30 of the 258 ticket offices would close meaning tickets would be paid for via bank card, eliminating the oyster card.
Needless to say this will mean job losses for station staff and eventually drivers. However, the plans do include additional staff on the tubes themselves.

There are many positives and negatives to these proposals that were supposedly 'leaked' yesterday (personally I think they were leaked on purpose to gather opinion before a decision on such proposals form a key part of any mayoral election campaign but this is merely my speculation).

Let's start with the positives:

- any system which brings the 100 year old tube into the modern era is ok by me
- efficiency is needed in order to cut costs and we all complain about pricing
- being able to swipe bank cards to pay for tickets will simplify travel and prevent the bottleneck of people scrambling for tickets
- it could be said that tube drivers are paid fairly highly in comparison to other jobs
- many of the tubes already operate on a semi-automatic basis anyway and this driver-less picture will not be complete until 2021 which leaves 10 years to get it right by which time there will be a lot more than the 1.1bn passengers the tube currently carries per year.
- the costs saved can be passed on to commuters or ploughed elsewhere

The negatives:

- it is hard to imagine a situation like 7/7 terrorist attacks being dealt with without the drivers (let us not forget many of them were the heroes on that day)
- ignoring terrorist attacks, merely having tubes breaking down in tunnels would cause mayhem if the tubes are only operating in automatic mode
- I can't imagine tube ticket inspectors managing to negotiate their way through carriages in rush hour or changing carriage while the tube is moving to do so (safety?) And if not, what is the point of checking anyway given a large proportion are one or two stop journeys. And then even if they were inspecting, if we are paying by bank card how will they check? I won't want to scan my bank card on a random tube inspector's equipment for fear of cloning or security.
- security is actually the bigger issue here - if barely any stations have staff then how can the safety of passengers be guaranteed? We have heard stories of violence at tube stations when staff aren't looking or thin on the ground - this will only increase if it becomes a permanent occurence. Certainly muggings are likely to become more commonplace
- technical: there are problems on the tube lines most days of the week. Just how will these be dealt with if we are relying on the non-human technology because (as we all know from our own computers) there are often technical glitches that prevent things running smoothly
- tourists may find it more difficult to know where to go and which ticket to swipe - presumably the central london ticket offices will be part of the 30 'saved'
- I like hearing from the driver be it updates, excuses or just knowing that a human is in charge

Overall, I think it's great that we are looking to update our tube system and become more efficient and 21st century. However, it must be ensured that this is not at the risk of compromising passenger safety. With 10 years before the last of these changes will be due to come in, I'm sure there is time to do some trials and get the system right but don't be surprised if some elements of the proposals change having heard the public feedback before next year's election following this timely 'leak'.

Laura is the author of The Little Book of Tube Etiquette which is available to buy now at Waterstones, Cards Galore, Foyles, Amazon and other retailers.
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/

military tactics for rush hour? great idea, but for a girlier version...

So according to the Evening Standard, an ex-commuter has published a online guide applying military tactics to help commuters get a train seat.

Excellent idea. I love the website: http://www.brelson.com/ - commuters: prepare for war. It comes complete with colour-coded illustrations and has consulted ancient Chinese battle expert Sun Tzu on tactics for 'the daily fight to sit down'.

I covered a bit of this subject in The Little Book of Tube Etiquette but with a more humorous approach and definitely with a more feminine manner. I'm sure both will work...

Some of my top tips:

- If single and female, smile sweetly at a young man who is seated...
- If you have a boyfriend, position him a little further up the area between the seats...
- Carry big bags and moan at their weight...
- When you get on the tube, position yourself directly in the middle of the seats and be ready to politely edge at any signs of upcoming vacancies...
- Hold your space, the seat directly behind and in front of you is YOURS...

...and so on.

For the full set of tips, The Little Book of Etiquette is available now at Waterstones, Foyles, Amazon and other bookshops. Follow me on Twitter @LauraKing14

When the weather's like this, the tube is not the place to be...

OMGWTHITWAA (Oh my God what the hell is this weather all about)

It’s impossible to dress for this weather. The forecasts say it will be a heatwave this week and we get one morning of hot sunshine and an afternoon of relentless rain. How on earth does this translate into suitable work attire?

At the unearthly hours of the morning that I get up, how am I supposed to predict what temperature it is or isn’t likely to ,when the weathermen can't even get it right, and therefore pick the appropriate clothes? One thing I DO know is that I will mostly get it wrong.

It’s too hot for a trouser suit and too chilly for bare legs yet, for a woman, wearing black tights while the sun shines brightly is both uncomfortable and frowned upon by other female commuters who pity you for taking the weather gamble and ending up on ‘lose’.

When you mix this dilemma with the London Underground, it becomes several times worse. On goes the overcoat first thing in the morning, but by the time you’ve got on the tube, you are literally cooking meaning you turn up at work at the beginning of the day looking like you’ve already been there for hours, need a shower and that you havent brushed your hair for days.

For men it is so simple – suit it is. The only choice is a short or a long sleeved shirt. And has anyone noticed that mens’ hair doesn’t seem to frizz up in this lethal combination of heat and rain?

When it does rain I also have to make the call on whether to walk to work across London Bridge and involve myself in the game I like to call ‘umbrella wars’ or to duck down into the London Underground and play the equally as dreaded 'see how quickly I can turn into a mess'.

The first option – umbrella wars – involves ducking across London Bridge past the scores of commuters walking at mixed paces towards the City. This is a bit of a battle on most days but when you factor in the expanded width of each person due to their umbrellas, it really is survival of the fittest as to who can get across the bridge without a poked eye or getting involved in a mass pile up.

The second option – the mess – is, I think, worse. Yes you might get to work quicker (I say 'might' as rain seems to have a knock-on effect on the tube, despite it being underground…) and you might be dry longer (apart from the perspiration) but you are guaranteed it will be more unpleasant. It most certainly will be more packed with people who normally walk, slippery from everyone’s wet shoes, hot from all the condensation, still full of jostling umbrellas and, added to which, everyone will be more angry than usual because of the disgusting weather, leading to tempers mounting and undoubted confrontations between people who should, and normally would, know better.

I know which option I’d choose.

Experiment One: complete. Fidget girl is, indeed, an irritant.

Having recovered from last weekend's journeys on overground trains and the London Underground, and a bout of flu which of course kept me from travelling anywhere - in accordance with my own etiquette rules of staying well away from public transport when sick - I was finally able to put my experiment into action.

Today I became ‘fidget girl’ – you know the one, the woman who sits behind you with an oversized bag and spends the entire journey searching for something deeper and deeper into the bag but never produces anything of note? Well this morning, I was she.

I took my largest tote bag into work in preparation and crammed it with all sorts of things from makeup and a hairbrush to a few books, notepads, spare top and other junk besides the essentials that I usually just carried in a small handbag.

I chose my seat carefully when embarking at London Bridge – seeking a seat with someone on both sides for maximum effect.

I wedged in between them with large tote bag on lap and, as soon as the tube started moving I started delving and rummaging. 

To tell you the truth, I felt a bit stupid pretending to look meaninglessly for random items so I focused on finding a pen first, and then when that got boring, I tried to find my keys. While doing so I definitely managed to bump the girl next to me a few times and the man on the other side. I said sorry to each the first time then decided that wasn’t really in character so continued and tried to act oblivious.

The girl on my left was clearly getting the hump and huffed and puffed a few times before looking at me with her head slightly tilted in that obvious kind of ‘are you finished’ kind of way (similar to what I imagine I look like when the situations are reversed). The man on my right shuffled as far away as possible in his seat from my offending elbows and then moved seats as soon as another came empty on his right side.  I continued the act with the next person to take the seat and he showed many of the same signs. 

So, experiment one complete. Fidget girl has proven that Londoners other than I find her very annoying. Hurrah.

Next stop: mobile phone irritant. Mwa ha ha ha.

Bank Holiday weekend on the tube – do people leave all etiquette at home?

So, in a similar vein to my recent post, Friday night on the train… here is Bank Holiday weekend on the tube and yes, people do seem to behave even worse than in the week.

While I love football, I slightly hate some of the fans. Drunken, dribbly, shouty and absolutely no understanding of personal space. On a rammed tube carriage, personal space is limited at best.  But if I had to endure one more large, stinky, drunken man leaning across me to yell at his friend on my other side I think I would have abandoned all self control and spontaneously burst into flames, and all of this was before midday.  Thank goodness I didn’t get the tube after the matches had finished.

On a weekend you also have to accept that not a single person will wait for others to get off the tube before getting on – my number one tube etiquette rule. It just doesn’t happen on a Saturday and there are not enough seasoned commuters to make a stand so it’s best to just avoid the busier sections of the train if you value your own sanity.

One of the weirdest experiences I had on the tube this weekend, and one I’m pretty sure beats a lot of my other etiquette complaints was the sensation of being licked for three whole, long stops.  That’s right. Thankfully it wasn’t a human guilty of such a blatant ignorance of personal space but it was still moderately disturbing.  I was wedged in somewhere on the Central Line from Bank to Oxford Circus station when I felt my bare leg being energetically licked. I couldn’t actually tell who the culprit was as there was no spare space to see past other people’s backs, shopping bags and armpits, though I was pretty sure it was some sort of dog hidden somewhere nearby. I couldn’t even bend down to push the offending creature off.

As the journey went on, this licking became akin to a terrible case of the tickles and, as I was unable to move away from the source through sheer lack of space, it became more and more like some form of torture – think having little drops of water dripped continuously on one’s forehead without being able to move or brush it away. 

I don’t know about you but I’m pretty conscious of the amount of germs on the tube at any given point let alone when these germs are quite obviously being concentrated on an area of my leg.  I’m also pretty sure that letting your dog transfer the contents of his mouth on to another human being is fairly bad tube etiquette.

Thankfully at Oxford Circus the crowds poured off the tube carriage and it was indeed a very small dog that had taken such a liking to my leg. 20 minutes and three bacterial wipes (handy in the handbag for germ-infested tube journeys) later, I had almost recovered only to discover that the friend I was meeting found the whole thing hilarious rather than disturbing.

I won’t be travelling on the London Underground at the weekend again in a hurry. Weekdays are quite enough with or without animals (football hooligans or of the tiny four-legged kind) to contend with.

Laura King is the author of The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, available at Waterstones, Foyles, Amazon and now on Kindle.

Follow on twitter @LauraKing14

http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/

Friday night on the train and everyone's behaving badly

Friday night’s journey home from work was the worst journey I’ve experienced in a long time in terms of other people’s behaviour.

Sure people were annoyed because of the torrential downpour of rain, and the inevitable delays this caused to the overground trains travelling anywhere south of London.

Of course people just wanted to get home to start the Bank Holiday weekend in style - me being one of them.

There was, however, simply no excuse for rudeness, an abundance of irritants and displaying obvious aggression to get to seats.

One group of young girls (I would say ‘ladies’ but they certainly didn’t act that way), had loaded all of their suitcases in the aisle and when an elderly woman couldn’t get past, instead of helping her they simply ignored her. When she dared to politely ask them to move their bags she received a torrent of abuse until a burly man cleared the path and told the girls to show more respect. They then spent the rest of their journey until Gatwick Airport being rude about the elderly woman and the man who had helped her.

Unfortunately another passenger and I got a seat right in the middle of a group of people who had obviously wanted to sit together but failed to elbow their way to an empty block despite their best attempts. That’s right, I defended my space – there will be no bullying me out of a seat I rightfully deserved having got there first by some measure.  This group decided to shout across the other passenger and I for the entire journey and made sure we understood that their disapproving glances were indeed meant for us. Boo hoo.

There also appeared to be the world’s biggest concentration of annoying tweenagers playing their computer games on full volume. Accompanied by their parents, I’m confused as to why they didn’t find the tinny repetitive music as annoying as the rest of the carriage.

Of course, there were also the inevitable group of tourists retiring to the coast for the extended weekend, and with this came the overuse of cameras for the duration of my journey. Picture of the group on the train. FLASH. Picture of each of the group individually on the train. FLASH. Picture of the group making funny faces at each other on the train. FLASH. Picture of some of the group piled up on to one seat on the train. FLASH. Picture of the group dancing in the very limited space in the aisle on the train. FLASH. You get the image. All hilarious I’m sure.

And finally, what peaceful relaxing train journey home on a Friday night would be complete without the stereotypical teenage boys all wearing their jeans beneath their bottoms playing rap music, at full blast. Singing along – swearing and all - was a particularly lovely additional feature.

So there you have it – a train rammed full of bad behaviour. I’m sure there were other obvious displays of poor train etiquette but I’m winding myself up just reliving it so I’ll leave it there for now.

P.S. I haven't forgotten about my experiment to witness the reaction of others on the tube, I just need to put it into practice this week. After my weekend's experience as a commuter I felt bad causing more annoyance to other passengers who might be innocent...I will report back soon.

Laura King is the author of The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, available at Waterstones, Foyles, Amazon and now available on Kindle.

Follow on twitter @LauraKing14

http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/

Turning tube etiquette on its head

With the tube a bit quieter in the summer months, I've decided to play a game. Instead of me getting angry at other people's behaviour, I'm going to behave badly and judge the reaction of others. This way, I will learn whether I am just intolerant or if my exasperation at the lack of etiquette on the London Underground is genuinely reasonable.

So, this week I will be mostly 'fidgets in the handbag girl'.  You know the type - the one who, for the entire duration of a trip on the tube, is rummaging in her oversized handbag for something - but never finds it.

Even better, if I get a seat, my elbows will be flailing as I dig deeper and deeper into said oversized bag moving objects around but never actually producing anything of interest.

I will gauge the reaction of both the people sitting next to me and, if standing, those I manage to frustrate with my fidgeting and elbows whilst we are rammed together like sardines in a can. 

I will report back.

Loud man's conversation - and it went a little something like this...

The overground trains can be every bit as annoying as the tube. Particularly when you have to commute a long way as I do.

One of the worst journeys of recent weeks was a man shouting on his mobile for the entire hour-long journey to work.  It was so loud I could hear the other person's tone, although not their words, despite me sitting three rows back from him.

So, being as I was not going to get any work done through lack of concentration, or be able to snooze quietly through sheer disturbance, I amused myself by making up ridiculous sentences that the other person 'geezer' may have been saying. And it went a little something like this:

Rude man: 'alright geezer, how's it going?'
Geezer: 'well my life's a bit strange right now. I've just seen an alien.'
Rude man: 'you never. did you really? where?'
Geezer: 'in my garden, sitting in my chair, smoking a fag'
Rude man: 'smoking! what time was this?'
Geezer: 'about midnight last night. I swear it was an alien.'
Rude man: 'are you sure? it's pretty unlikely.'
Geezer: '100 per cent.'
Rude man 'hundred percent!'
Geezer: 'yep. it even waved at me.'
Rude man: 'what did you do. did you wave back?'
Geezer: 'yep. i didnt want to annoy it.'
Rude man: 'dam right. i'd have done the same thing geezer. What did he do then?'
Geezer: 'he wanted to come in for a pint.'
Rude man: 'i'd never have a pint with him.'
Geezer: 'well he seemed friendly enough so i invited him in.'
Rude man: 'you never!'
Geezer: 'I did. He then tried it on with my missus'
Rude man: 'that thing tried it on with your missus? I'd have kicked him silly until he saw stars.'
Geezer: 'he's probably seen a lot of stars though where he's from'
Rude man: 'true, true. good thinking. so what happened next? Does your missus know?'
Geezer: 'well he vanished. i told the missus but she wouldnt believe me?'
Rude man: 'you ain't a liar though'
Geezer: 'that's what i said'
Rude man: 'this whole thing is alien to me. i wouldn't take any of that ****'

I amused myself playing this game for about 50 minutes. Not my best creative work I'm sure but more fun than listening to the inane drivel that a one-sided conversation usually churns out. 

Guys - we dont want to hear your conversations - ever. I challenge others who are in this situation to make up the other side of the phonecall, it's much more fun, trust me.

Laura King is the author of The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, published by Gibson Publishing and available at Waterstones, Foyles, Amazon and a number of other online retailers and tourist shops.
Follow me @LauraKing14
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/

tube etiquette: sense the rage people

OK. Today has not been my best day. Very far from my best day. I've been suppressing a bubbling anger all day long if I'm honest.

So what I ask all tube etiquette followers is to sense the rage.

I don't think it's that hard to sense - eyes focused in semi-angry stare for large periods of time, a bit of smoke coming out of the ears but I think the most obvious trait is the intolerance.

Which means tube users are easy prey. 

I will leave you alone if you do not bother me. Easier said than done.

On my way home from work this evening I encountered the following:

- shouty shouterson and her friend on the tube carriage separated by many squashed commuters yet convinced their conversation was the only thing good about the carriage. WRONG.
- Little miss wear no pants squatting in what was meant to be my seat, if it weren't for the knuckledusters and pointy elbows deftly displayed (and used) as we got on the tube
- lovey and loverson groping and snogging loudly (oh yes, slurping and all) amidst packed carriage to the utter dismay of all wedged in around them
- mr 'beatz' whose music was quite possibly the loudest I have ever heard on the London Underground from accross the carriage

 I tried my best to ignore...but I'm pretty sure my eye rolling and exasperated sighs gave the game away somewhat.

Am I getting old, or just more intolerant? Granted, I've been in a right stinking mood today but does this mean I'm getting worse or just more aware of people's bad behaviour?

I don't know, I just wish they'd stop infuriating me so.
I may have possibly written this slightly intoxiated but I hope that doesn't nullify the points.
Good night.

New tube etiquette rule - leave me alone in the morning

Last Thursday I was travelling to work on the Central Line with a considerable hangover.  Aside from feeling and probably looking rather worse for wear I was pretty much behaving myself in line with my own tube etiquette.

The tube was becoming more and more packed as we neared central London. I was standing in between the two rows holding on to the pillar in the middle. About halfway into the journey my handbag started slipping off my shoulder and so I shrugged it back on so not to drop it on the floor. Unfortunately, I accidentally bumped the lady next to me.

I was pretty unprepared for the venom unleashed.

The woman whipped round and started laying into me. I was so shocked, and hungover, that I only really remember clipped bits of what she was saying.  I think the fact that I didn’t react for so long just made her worse as she then said that I ‘obviously did it on purpose as she had bumped into me accidentally earlier’ and that I had kept looking at her and done it back and this was a much more aggressive bump…

I genuinely had no idea what she was talking about. In my hungover trance-like state I hadn’t even registered her presence until I unwittingly whacked her with my handbag and jerky arm.  But, in her head, it transpired we’d been secretly battling handbag space for the whole journey.

I really didn’t know what to say to her and so mumbled back ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about' and went back into trance mode.  I don’t even remember whether the other passengers in the carriage reacted to this debacle which is a shame because I’d love to have known if they were as shocked as I am by this strange angry woman or whether they had noticed her getting wound up and unhinged.

This got me thinking - it’s funny how people wind themselves up in their own heads and convince themselves that something is happening when it isn’t.

I started to wonder if I did that myself and then my head hurt and I stopped.

Then I realised the only morals to come out of this story are don’t take your obvious anger management issues out on strangers on the tube and, most importantly, if you see someone that is in a trance and unable to speak – perhaps it’s best to assume a hangover and leave well alone.

Take action to bring back London's pride

I'm diverting from my normal rants about the need for etiquette on the London Underground to something much more important this week: restoring London's pride.

While various members of the City's youth has done its best to tarnish our reputation as well as the many local businesses who are now wondering what, if any, future they have, the working together attitude the mainstream communities has displayed means that our pride in London is still evident.

Reports abound of the clear up operation today being inundated with eager volunteers, so much so that people were told to stop coming.  Let's hope another clear up operation isn't needed tomorrow.

These youths are looting for no other reason than to appear radical or cool to their friends. They have no real political message and are nothing more than children who are either being caught up in the mindless violence or are made to think they are making a stand because they feel like society has forgotten them.

Well society will certainly remember them now - and for all the wrong reasons. They may use social media to incite other riots but we will use it to name and shame them into, hopefully, custodial sentences.

My fear is that, because of the ridiculous 'human rights' law, police are not empowered to take more drastic measures to stop them should the riots continue.  Europe, who until now has been concentrating on its own financial issues, is now looking at the UK in disbelief and asking, why aren't we taking a stronger stance? Why aren't we getting the water canons out and deploying army troops to send a clear message that this will not be tolerated?

Why indeed. What David Cameron et al need to decide is if stamping out this complete disregard for people's safety, livelihoods and the country's reputation at a time when international reputation is so important to the economy is the main priority. I for one believe it is and that any action should be taken to do so.

Youths that run around and set fire to people's businesses and shops should, quite simply, be looked at as potential murderers. The images of people jumping from burning buildings or running out of shops just in time before they are set alight is evidence of a much more sinister edge to looting and disturbance.

It's all very well asking parents to call their children and get them home - if these children were likely to listen to their parents and respect their orders do we really think that they would disrespect their communities in such a way in the first place? Of course not, the problem is much deeper than that and only showing strength and intolerance will stamp out the immediate issues.  Then, we can go back to examining the longer term issue of respect, parenting and of course poverty.

Although - you have to wonder just how genuinely 'poor' these kids are if they are using blackberries to organise the riots in the first place.


Laura King is the author of The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, available at Waterstones, Foyles Bookshop, Amazon and other retailers.
Follow me on twitter @LauraKing14
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/

Is there such a thing as tube OCD?

It's funny the strange behaviour exhibited by some on the tube. You get to witness all sorts of foibles and potential cases of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Earlier this week I was travelling in relative Tube bliss for once, not in rush hour. I was sitting quite happily reading a second hand metro when I noticed the woman in front of me staring and huffing repeatedly at the advertising board above my head.

The board was hanging down slightly at one corner - not by much - but annoying perhaps to some people, particularly those with some form of OCD.

After a few minutes she became increasingly agitated and started edging towards the board. After a few further minutes she started prodding at the corner that had come unstuck. 

At this point said lady is quite close to me as the board is directly above my head. The man sitting to my left looked a little alarmed at her behaviour as she became more animated - jabbing at the board repeatedly as the corner refused to behave and go back into its frame.

Eventually she became so annoyed that with one over-zealous jab at the corner of the board, the whole thing popped out of the frame and bopped on to mine and my neighbours' heads.

At this point the man next to me looked pretty scared at what appeared very irrational behaviour while others, who hadn't realised what the lady was doing at all, almost jumped out of their seats in surprise at being hit on the head by an inanimate object. I was less alarmed, having witnessed the build up for a while.

The poor lady looked mortified, her face now a shade of red only witnessed at Christmas. At the next stop she dashed off - I don't think it was her stop but the variety of faces being made around the carriage made her realise her personal war with this board had been made very public.

Is this the tube equivalent of repeatedly turning on and off a light switch as you enter a room - making sure all the adverts are perfectly straight and positioned?

Or, did she work for the advertising company behind the board? If she did, it didn't work because despite her drama I still can't remember what the board was promoting - and I work in marketing too.

What disturbs me most about the whole episode however (other than the bump on my head) is that I could actually see the drama coming and I kind of understood how she was feeling.

While I don't get quite so upset about errant tube advertising boards for example, other people's behaviour sometimes makes me feel irrational and wound up - hence The Little Book of Tube Etiquette.

Perhaps I have some form of tube OCD too? Although I hope that by channelling mine into humour it's not quite so annoying to others....The jury's out on that one.


Laura King is the author of The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, available in Waterstones Piccadilly & Trafalgar Square, Piccadilly Cards, Amazon and other online retailers.
@LauraKing14
http://www.facebook.com/#!/littlebookof.tubeetiquette
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/
http://www.self-publish-my-book.co.uk/

Other books to follow The Little Book of Tube Etiquette

Since The Little Book of Tube Etiquette became available in Waterstones Piccadilly and Trafalgar Square branches (shameless plug but had to be done), my friends and colleagues have been approaching me with ideas of follow ups.

I don't think I'm ready to publish another one just yet, still working on promoting the first if I'm honest, but here are some of the best ideas nonetheless:

The Little Book of Event Etiquette - how to behave at different types of events
The Little Book of Wedding Etiquette - what not to do at someone else's wedding
The Little Book of Bus Etiquette - self-explanatory of course
The Little Book of Driving Etiquette - ahoy all road ragers
The Little Book of Cinema Etiquette - is there much else to say other than be quiet, mobiles off and dont chew sweets obsessively in my ear?

My personal favourite is The Little Book of airplane etiquette - think of all the fun I could have looking at the awful things people do on long-haul flights...

Some of these sound like serious etiquette guides, but I would definitely want to add a humorous twist.

Which of the above would you like to see on Britain's bookshelves?


Laura King is the author of The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, available at Waterstones Piccadilly, Amazon and other online retailers.
@LauraKing14
http://www.facebook.com/#!/littlebookof.tubeetiquette
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/
http://www.self-publish-my-book.co.uk/

The Little Book of Tube Etiquette: children + rush hour = hell

I actually quite like children and eventually, one day, will want to have some of my own.

However, there is no one that can convince me that taking children on the London Underground during rush hour is a good idea.

Firstly it's not really fair to the child. They have not been adequately prepared for such hell as a rammed tube carriage full of sights and smells they'll never have witnessed before (and never want to again) - let alone the violence and competition involved between fellow commuters to try and get a seat.

More importantly, it's not fair to us - the commuter. We have paid ever increasing fares to use this painful mode of transport so why should we have to give up our whole seat for a small and energetic child, who won't sit still long enough to make good use of the seat? Especially as it's clearly a very energetic and healthy child based on the fact that we can hear it has full use of its lungs from the next carriage.

Furthermore, even if the person next to me gets up for the child to sit down, or even if the child is sat on their parent's lap, said child is very likely to rub their sticky grubby mitts in our faces and make us feel all OCD for the rest of the day about what germs we've incurred. Seriously, why do parents let them do this?

Indeed, the worst kind of parent is one who naturally assumes everything about their small minion is delightful. This normally means actually willing innocent members of the public on to be interactive with their child. This is highly irritating and rather rude to assume that we are impressed by a child as they are. Cue willing the child on to sing at the top of their voice on a packed tube carriage while mother/father/nanny claps boisterously and makes you do the same.

And all of this is without going into detail about the obvious distress and non-stop screaming. I mean, I understand why the child is screaming, I often feel like doing the same but it's simply awful to listen to - whether in morning rush hour or evening when you just want peace and quiet before or after another long day in the office.

Frankly, I blame the parents. Either don't travel in rush hour with young children and if you absolutely must, make sure they are 100% well behaved, don't take up their own seat, and preferably keep their hands and voices to themselves.

Thanks.

Follow me on Twitter @LauraKing14
The Little Book of Tube Etiquette can be bought at retailers including http://www.http//www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Book-Tube-Etiquette/dp/0956710107/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309198983&sr=8-1
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/
http://www.self-publish-my-book.co.uk/

Forget tube etiquette - remember the real victims

I often portray so-called 'victims' of a lack of tube etiquette in this blog and it's often a light-hearted attempt at humour faced with the observation of, let's face it, a mix of rude and the generally clueless tube users.

However, it's weeks like this that put things into perspective.  So, in the memory of all those injured or killed six years ago in the London tube bombings I will not blog about people barging into others to get a seat, pushing on to tubes before they get off or spilling hot coffee on us.

It is the sixth anniversary of the London tube bombings and this year we have heard all about the inquest from the bereaved families in accounts relayed by the UK press.

So for this entire week of 7th July, I'm going to bite my tongue every time someone displays a lack of etiquette on the London Underground and instead remember those that were genuinely faced by very real terror on that awful day six years ago.

The tales of courage still astound me to this day, from those that remained helping the injured and dying in the darkened tunnels after the initial tube bombs to those that lost limbs and have come back to work determined not to let the bad guys win.

These are the people that had a very real reason not to use the London Underground and me in all my dramatic wailing about rights and wrongs of etiquette and behaviour and empty threats of how I'll never use the tube again should be put to shame this week.

So here's to the families of those that perished, and to the heroic survivors for whom sometimes every day is a struggle - I salute you.  The tube will be a sombre place this week.

Follow me on Twitter @LauraKing14
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/

The LIttle Book of Tube Etiquette: observations of a very hot and humid week

I try to avoid the London Underground wherever possible, particularly when it's as hot and clammy as it has been of late. Whether it's rainy or not, I'll try and walk to work from London Bridge overground.

When, however, I have to get to the West End and I dont have the ability to get a taxi or walk in time and all other transport options have failed me, I do surrender and hop on the central line towards the West.

And it is here that I witnessed some very disturbing things this past hot and humid week:

1. Woman sitting opposite me without underwear on (quite clearly). Yes it is hot but there is simply no excuse - you are not Sharon Stone, believe me.

2. Man eating some sort of stew in rush hour. Firstly how do you stomach hot stew in this weather and secondly, and most importantly, it is pretty disgusting at the best of times eating even a snack on the hot smelly sticky tube, but in 100 degree heat and shovelling down a full dinner? I think not.

3. People with dogs. Dogs are meant to be walked not commuting and if you think you're hot rammed up against someone's stenchy armpit, then times it by 50 and you're probably close to what your supposed 'best friend' is feeling like right now. Dogs overheat much quicker than humans and the reason their tongues are lolling out and we can see clouds of heat coming off them isn't that they are in fine physical condition. Think twice and walk, that's what dogs like to do.

4. People in winter overcoats. I'm not sure why you are wearing a winter coat in this weather at all but it's certainly not a good idea to wait until you are on the train in a rammed carriage then decide to disenrobe while smacking everyone around you and huffing loudly that you're hot.

5. Public Displays of Affection. Wrong on our dirty and stinky tube carriages at the best of times but in this sort of wall of dense heat? Gross people, just gross.

Is it me or has the weather brought on silly season? It's hot, let's not make it worse for everyone else. 

Follow me on Twitter @LauraKing14
The Little Book of Tube Etiquette can be bought at retailers including http://www.http//www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Book-Tube-Etiquette/dp/0956710107/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309198983&sr=8-1
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/
http://www.self-publish-my-book.co.uk/

The Little Book of Tube Etiquette – sometimes breaking the rules can be funny

Some of you readers will remember my blog of a few weeks ago whereby my slightly sozzled hiccups and subsequent giggles got the better of me.

I have since witnessed a drunken tube event which made me cry actual tears of laughter.

Picture another late night, me not so drunk as before, but the man sitting opposite me definitely so.  He is at least six and a half feet tall and is sitting down in the middle of a row filled with smaller (normal sized) people. The tube is busy, full of people making their way home after a night out.

This man, long limbs sprawled out, has fallen asleep and is snoring, intertwined with muttering under his breath. The carriage is quiet; a lot of people are sleeping or reading books.

Suddenly, this man lets out a scream and his long arms and legs do something of a star shape. This sets off a chain reaction. Like dominoes going along the seating people let off funny sounds, varying degrees of squeals and yelps, some jumping out of their seats, some just twitching as they wake up.

It was literally the funniest tube etiquette rule break I’ve ever seen. A carriage of human dominoes, like a demented Mexican wave of sleeping or drunk people.

And so I’ve decided, not all tube etiquette is the same degree of unacceptable, hence why The Little Book of Tube Etiquette is split into different tolerances – the ‘unacceptables’ the ‘justcommonsensicals’ etc.

Some rule breaks are justified for entertainment purposes and I would pay to watch them over and over again. I just wished I’d broken another rule and got my phone out to tape the sequence – perfect You Tube fodder.

http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/
http://www.self-publish-my-book.co.uk/
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Book-Tube-Etiquette/dp/0956710107/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1309170478&sr=8-1

When bugbears can turn you into an author

I've been reflecting for some time now on how my irritations with the London Underground became fodder for my book The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, which has been published for six months now.

Every day we use the tube and every day I used to get wound up over someone's behaviour. So, on a rainy, wet night my friends and I discussed our 'pet peeves' over a bottle (or three) of wine and sure enough the tube came up in conversation.

We started writing which rules should be put in place on the back of a serviette.  A few weeks later when I was dry cleaning my suit, I found the serviette and, with a smile on my face, I began to play around with the rules. The manuscript lay untouched for another six months until my boyfriend, now husband, found the document on our computer at home.

He fell about laughing and when I came home from work, he started to add some of his own ideas. Together we made some amends and when we were satisfied with it, he pressurised me to publish it.  What I should probably mention here is that he's a publisher and so it didn't take much convincing.

His company http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/ (or http://www.self-publish-my-book.co.uk/) specialise in self-publishing and so he was able to commission one of his illustrators, the very talented Pete Duffield (http://www.peteduffieldcreative.com/) to bring all my weird and wonderful characters to life. And, did he! He even put me, my husband and some of my friends in - all in larger than life charicature form!

Rather than this being a shameless plug for Pete or my husband's business (although by all means visit their websites if you're interested!), the point is that everyone has a book in them.

The Little Book of Tube Etiquette is now available online at a number of retailers and, thanks to my husband's know-how, was featured in a host of magazines, website reviews and national newspapers all with pretty good reviews.  As such, my book has been selling rather well and we've made back the publishing costs already. He's done the same for a lot of other people.

So, if you've written a book, or if you just have a bugbear that can be turned into something pretty funny, don't be disheartened by the stress of trying to find a publisher where the odds of getting a book deal can be rather out of your favour (Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, saw hundreds of publishers before someone saw the potential in her books and she strongly believes that it was luck with that one), self-publishing can be the way to realise your dream of being an author and get your work out there in the public eye.  It needn't be expensive, with the right advice and placing you can make your money back quickly and, if you do strike a deal with a big retailer, you really can make it.  Some self-publishers take royalties but good ones don't so all the money you make from selling your books is your own.

We are currently in talks with a number of retailers who have shown a strong interest in The Little Book of Tube Etiquette for their Christmas stock.  Wish me luck!

But, most importantly, self-publishing can work if you give it a try and be prepared to put your own work out there - just make sure you do your research and choose a good self-publisher that gives you plenty of advice and support whilst remaining true to your work.

I believe in tube karma...

As quotes of the week go, it was a winner. My husband, returning from a night out in London came home in rather a strop after his tube journey.

'You know it's going to be a nightmare journey when you can see the sweat stains on someone on the tube from the platform.' Classic.

As luck would have it, the only place available was standing right next to this person with his nose pressed against the offending armpit.

Disgusting, you might say. I'd agree. Particularly as said husband was carrying an enormous hangover whereby even the slightest stench could produce stomach-churning nausea.

However, knowing my husband as I do, I decided to question him on the rest of his journey.

I was right to do so. 

Before getting on this tube, he had begun his journey on another, less packed carriage where he was lucky to get a seat. Bearing in mind he had been drinking into the early hours of that morning, he was producing a stale alcohol stench eminating from his sweatpores. I can testify to this having smelt him the minute he walked into the house. Obviously, I sent him for a shower immediately. So I'm sure his own scent did not impress his own fellow travellers.

Not only this, it transpires that in his hungover state he had purchased 'the only thing drinkable on a hangover' - an orange Lucozade - and a newspaper.  Reading the newspaper on the tube, he felt dizzy and glugged his Lucozade before stupidly putting it down on the floor. 

Off it rolled down the carriage to the annoyance of the other passengers who apparently all death-stared him to retrieve it. Yet, in his hungover state, he merely left it rolling round the carriage bumping into everyone's feet.

My hot and bothered husband then broke a number of my tube etiquette rules by huffing and puffing continuously, fanning himself with the newspaper and fidgeting constantly - no doubt annoying everyone sitting around him.

So, to get back to my point - I believe in tube karma. My husband, having broken all these rules and annoyed everyone on the first tube, then found himself wedged up against a sweat-stained armpit on the second.

Judge for yourselves ladies and gentleman.

overground trains - every bit as bad as the tube

Saturday, on way to London to celebrate my best friend's 30th birthday. It's early. We get the last two seats on the train. Our carriage is full of weird and wonderful people. Apart from the child opposite me and his  guardian.

This kid would be cute if it weren't for his Nintendo game. Said kid is playing said Nintendo game with the sound turned on full volume. 10 minutes in, he switches to Tetris.

First of all I didn't know Tetris still existed. Second of all, even when I used to play Tetris on my gameboy when I was all of 12, the music even irritated me.

15 minutes in I can't prevent myself from putting my fingers rather obviously in my ears.

20 minutes in I can't resist staring at the kid's companion who appears oblivious to this rather hideous form of Japanese water torture.

25 minutes in and my husband is looking at me as if to say, don't say anything, please don't say anything - even if this is the most torturous thing we've ever encounted.

30 minutes in I'm shifting in my seat and staring every minute. I resort to biting my nails.

35 minutes in and the kid leaves his game running while performing very amateur gymnastics in between our seats.

40 minutes in and my waiting game is up. I say. very politely of  course, 'excuse me' to his companion who stares at me blankly. 'Does that contraption have a volume button?' She turns the volume off.

Bliss. She then says to me 'it drives me mad as well'.

This beggars belief. If it bothers her that  much why did she not save our ears 40 minutes earlier?

Nevertheless, for the rest of the 25 minute journey I have peace and quiet, sort of.

When we arrive in London, we take a cab to our destination. I was so not ready to face the tube with the quasi-classical ringing of Tetris still in my ears.

I feel another book coming on...

My first blog since honey moon and unfortunately it’s an apology.

I must apologise to fellow tube users for my antics on Tuesday evening. Following a few drinks after work, I was feeling a little light headed and got the Central Line tube home to where I was staying. 

Halfway home, I managed to get a seat, but for some reason I got a fit of hiccups. To those that know me, my hiccups are not normal – I actually say the word ‘hiccup’, loudly. So the tube carriage was filled with my rather loud ‘hiccup’ noises for at least 15 minutes.

What’s worse, and again I apologise, is that in my slightly inebriated and embarrassed state I was overcome with the need to giggle.

So to all those poor passengers trying to read or have a quiet journey home, I was the lady in a navy suit hiccupping loudly and then uncontrollably laughing for most of your travels.  Hopefully some of you found it funny.  For those that didn’t, my etiquette is clearly in need of a brush up following a month of lying on a beach with my tube stresses clearly nowhere to be found.

I’m sure that by the time you read this, I’ll be fully indoctrinated back into my own Tube Etiquette ways – and hopefully not still drunk.

Enjoy the Royal Wedding tube crush - I'm off

While you are trying to get around London in 26 degrees heat and the Tube is rammed full of tourists with cameras and backpacks, talking excitedly about the Royal Wedding, I will be lying on a beach, cocktail in hand, elated that my own wedding is out of the way and I'm missing the whole debacle.

Sure it would have been nice to see Kate and Wills say 'I do' after all these years but I'm afraid I just don't care enough to tune in on my honeymoon.

I certainly won't miss the inevitable tube crush as hoardes of well-wishers descend upon London town for the occasion.   I'm sure every line will suffer delays, carriages will be stuck underground in tunnels, there will be frequent stops for fainters, and we will have the annual debate about whether air conditioning should be mandatory on all tubes and water bottles sold underground.

I urge all Londoners to avoid this nightmarish scenario and walk from location to location - leave the tube to the tourists who don't know how close together everything is and need to check a map at each Underground station.

So enjoy the Royal Wedding London, and I'll enjoy mine. Back at the end of May.

Tube Crush: a gross invasion of tube etiquette or merely a bit of fun?

So details have emerged of a new website entitled ‘tube crush’ whereby females take photos of unsuspecting males and post them on the internet at http://www.tubecrush.net/

I am unsure of where I stand on this sort of behaviour.

On the one hand, if this were predominantly males taking photos of woman and posting them (without permission) on a website, I’m sure there would be uproar.  It certainly brings the sexist debate to a head.

In The Little Book of Tube Etiquette I acknowledge that drunken flirting and speaking to strangers is not the done thing. However, this is neither, it is more underhand but no doubt flattering to those snapped and posted and on the face of it, harmless fun.

When I was doing research for my book and taking sly pictures of people on the London Underground to demonstrate poor etiquette and as inspiration for our illustrator, I’m sure I didn’t manage to go unnoticed.  I felt that people were suspicious of me pointing my phone in their direction no matter how subtle I tried to be.  And those pictures weren’t even published anywhere. So now if you are a male and someone is behaving suspiciously with a mobile, there is every chance they are not a terrorist or tourist and in fact, just eyeing you up for the website.

Perhaps we should just enjoy it and hope that sexist groups don’t ruin the fun.

Dearest Tube: I'm sorry

This is probably the only time I'll say this but I'm sorry tube, I forgive you for all that you've done.

In a week where warm weather has encouraged people to walk the length of the London Underground instead of actually use it, I've encountered all sorts of hazards which has made me realise that the lack of tube etiquette is not the only problem on my daily commute: walking has its own lack of etiquette to deal with.

Walking from London Bridge to St Pauls and back every day this week has unearthed all other sorts of irritating behaviour for which I am compelled to take a view on walking etiquette too:

1. We need a fast and slow lane for pavements - when shuffling along at not exactly breakneck speed, I felt the urge to 'moo' as if I was in a herd of cows, that is the only way to describe the trudge over London Bridge last Tuesday morning. It was impossible to overtake anyone and I was not the only person desperately trying to go faster than 1mph.
2. Despite the hot weather, when there's a tiny spattering of rain people must realise that umbrellas are a hazard and try not to poke other walkers' eyes out.
3. Prams and pushchairs - these are not supposed to be weapons, you have your beloved children in them, so don't use them as your means to barge people out of the way.
4. When standing at the edge of busy roads, try to let those who have crossed actually get on to the pavement - is your resistance to give up your space worth someone actually being killed when they finally get through the shuffle to the other side - no? didn't think so.
5. Smokers, please do not throw your finished cigarettes behind you without a moment's thought to the woman shuffling along in their direct flightpath. Ouch, and just not on.

So with these in mind, I now have to make a careful decision come Monday's commute, to walk or tube? Each have their perils but which is the lesser of two evils?

I want to break my own tube etiquette rules

Perhaps understandably, I've been quite a stickler for observing my own tube etiquette but recently I've found myself wanting to break one rule in particular rather frequently - that of talking to other people.

The etiquette states, quite clearly, that we do not talk to strangers on the tube - 'Londoners are rude, just deal with it'.

Perhaps because I've moved out of town and am only a pseudo-Londoner now, I find myself softening. Perhaps I shouldn't and cannot be a rude Londoner anymore now I live on the coast where everyone talks to each other and are 'good neighbours'.

Observing this etiquette has been pushed to the limit on various recent occasions:

- being stuck underground in a tunnel for 25 minutes on a two stop journey that should take just 3 minutes and henceforth missing my train.  I wanted desperately to start a rant off with some people standing next to me but that would also break another rule - we all understand as a rule of engagement that the tube is not usually on time and subject to problems and so tutting, swearing and exhaling loudly etc is not on...

- the budget: - having been locked away at work writing opinion reaction and content I desperately wanted to quiz random Londoners on what their views were to see if our corporate reaction was a general one

- most recent sporting results: I get very excited when I hear sporting news and results and feel the need to 'react' with others. This was particularly noticeable during the cricket world cup, whenever England play football and

- the Royal Wedding: I'm getting married two days before Wills and Kate (who stole our original date) and feel an inexplicable urge to discuss this every time I read something in the paper about how much their wedding is costing the taxpayer. Thank goodness I've not actually done it yet...

So what am I to do?

Either admit that I'm no longer a Londoner (which I do not think I'm going to be ready to do for a while yet)

Or reprint the next edition of my book with this rule caveated with a number of circumstances where it is, in fact, allowed.

Perhaps it's just secret option number three - continue to keep my big gob shut and hold back the frustration and excitement for when I 'disembark.'

Tube Etiquette: why shouldn't women do make up on the tube?

In response to The Londonist column about my book (see link http://londonist.com/2011/03/the-little-book-of-tube-etiquette.php), twitter has been alive with comments - mostly very positive, thanks for that - but also with rather a few people asking 'what is wrong with people doing their make up on the tube?'

I feel that, aside from clearly taking both The Little Book of Tube Etiquette and The Londonist article altogether too seriously, they have also missed the point.

Personally I don't care where people do their make up or what they look like beforehand.  What does irritate the crap out of me however is the continuous elbowing as one rummages through their exhaustive bottomless make up bag, then applies product after product for the entire journey to work, stopping only to brush blusher particles off their suit and on to mine.

I'm sure everyone has experienced this and I find it difficult to believe that those that asked why this is poor etiquette genuinely do not know the reasons behind it.  Perhaps they are opening up the subject to debate, hopeful that other women will back them up.

Well I'm a woman and I take two minutes to apply my make up in the comfort of my own home which I'm sure benefits everyone who has to look at me sans concealer anyway.

And for all those make-up appliers that protest, I also point out in my book that teachers marking homework in the morning with fidgety elbows should think twice too - do you agree?

Because the teachers seem to agree with me about make-up...funny isn't it?

my new tube etiquette hero

As readers of this blog may have cottoned on to by now, I often obsess about the right way to confront perennial rule breakers on the tube. However, I very rarely ever end up saying anything at all.

Enter my new hero.

Imagine the scenario - hot,  packed tube. I managed to get a seat at Oxford Circus (see my book for tips on how to) on a tube travelling on the Victoria Line to Victoria. Straight after me, pushing shoving and screeching, were no fewer than 12 Spanish teenagers complete with backpacks and extremely overexcited.

There was one seat next to me that these students barged their way to and four of them piled on to the one seat - boisterous boys all sat on top of eachother right next to me. I'm actually bruised from the incident.

Despite there being only two stops until Victoria, this tube was slow. Every second I was being elbowed and screeched across. The Spanish students were clearly slagging off, in their native language, everyone else in the carriage who dared to be present during their quite evident tube party. 

I caught the eye of an Irish woman standing opposite me who winked and said 'shall I teach them a lesson?'
I didn't really catch on to what she was talking about but nodded anyway and smiled back.

Just then one of the human pile ups on the next seat fell literally on top of me - arms flailing, elbows jabbing and instead of apologising laughed right in my face, which was by this time, I'm sure, purple with rage.

The Irish lady turned round to face the boys and delivered what can only be described as a flurry of perfect Spanish remonstrations, in a perfect Spanish accent, to picture perfect horrified faces who were clearly busted as she had understood everything they had said and they couldn't declare ignorance by pretending not to understand her.

This lady was polite, dignified and had the shock value. She is my new tube hero and I'm now even more determined to never confront a tube offender again - unless I can top this lady's performance.

Bravo.

tube etiquette: more essential in balmy weather

So it's been a pretty warm week for March: the sun is shining, people seem happy and walking is definitely preferable to using the tube - where possible.

For this means that the London Underground will undoubtedly be awash with the great unwashed. 

Having my nose planted against someone's unwashed armpit is a travesty at the best of times but in this sort of weather it's simply unbearable. 

I'm considering taking some air freshener or Febreze with me every time I travel on the tube but if I ever sprayed it people might think I was a terrorist, not simply someone who likes to smell something slightly better than body odour.

So what do we do about this situation? Some people may not know they smell, others may know but suffer BO no matter how many times they wash. I do not wish to upset or humiliate these poor people.  I merely wish to educate those who do not seem to care or do not wash about the importance of a clean armpit.

No doubt this situation is not helped by the need for an overcoat and jumper outside but then sweltering within them on the tube carriages themselves.

I find myself shivering at 6am when I get up and get the overground into town but then sweating as I get on to the packed tube for the last leg of my journey.  So, my own answer to this crisis is to dress light but have a mini hot water bottle for the first leg as extra cold protection.

I realise I am obsessing about this far too much.  Perhaps the more simple answer is to simply walk and not use the tube. But, on the times that I do, surely it's not too much to ask that my nostrils remain free of pungent stenches from those that can use soap and deodrant?

Tube Etiquette: to huff or not to huff?

I was on the tube this morning with the undoubted bonus of a seat which I settled into gratefully and started reading my paper.

Three stops into my journey the carriage became rather packed and I, being the good tube etiquette civilian that I am, checked there were no pregnant ladies or elderly people in need of a seat before, satisfied, I settled back into my paper.

What I didn’t bargain for was the lady with the biggest and surely the heaviest bag in the world using my shoulder as a resting place. 

I debated for a good five minutes what the right etiquette was for me to point out that this was neither comfortable nor acceptable.

I considered a well timed and audible huff and puff to see if she’d get the message but I discounted this on the basis that when other people do this it is annoying in itself.

I then imagined scenarios in my head where I said something to her in all varying degrees from politeness to sarcastic starting with ‘excuse me, I’m terribly sorry but your bag appears to be causing me some discomfort’ to ‘do I look like a bag rack to you’ but discounted them both – the first because it wasn’t strong enough and I’d leave myself open to bullying, quite possibly resulting in me losing my own seat; the second because the lady could actually agree that I did resemble a bag rack.

Eventually I decided that I would gently move the offending article which meant I would say nothing, avoid confrontation and let the lady know at the same time that it wasn’t the best arrangement for me and her bag. 

I very gently pushed the bag slightly away from me. But the damage was done. I was met with a hostile ‘calm down love it’s only a bag init, jeez’.

I must confess I had no idea how to answer that one without debating how heavy the bag was with her and asking her to take my place to see how annoying it was if the roles were reversed.

I confess I wish I’d done nothing now. And that’s what I did for the rest of the journey, nothing, complete with heavy bag on slightly aching shoulder.

Having a seat isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Tourists in London for April: spread the tube etiquette word

As the Royal Wedding approaches and by all accounts tourists begin flocking to London to take part in the charade, our tube network will surely be under increasing pressure.

This will only mean one thing - tube etiquette will suffer even more.  What should one expect? Well the same as usual x 100.

Imagine every tube journey, even non-rush hour, being akin to a sardine can, body odours and all.

Imagine everyone around you invading your personal space as they try to talk across you to each other in several different languages whilst having one earplug in - the other swaying round their necks still booming loud euro trash music. 

Imagine backpacks and luggage everywhere, taking up seats and in the last space left in the carriage where you may have just had enough room to squeeze on.

Imagine bags of shopping filled with commemorative mugs, tea towels, hats, t-shirts and other junk bumping into you every five seconds.

Imagine kids everywhere during rush hour as well as throughout the day as their parents drag them to the occasion, desperate for them to see a part of our ebbing Royalist history in action.

Imagine, whilst avoiding all the above, people taking photos of everything: from the tubes coming into the station to posing in the packed carriage, to posing in front of various signs within the rammed station concourse and platforms.

Now I’ve nothing against tourists but I think you’ll agree I’ve painted a rather vivid (and slightly terrifying) picture here. 

And that's just for a wedding - what about the Olympics next year? I think it's high time I followed the Evening Standard's advice and got working on some posters. Surely TfL would be grateful...

In fact, what I’m actually doing is the only sensible option and escaping the whole debacle. For I will be getting married two days earlier (yes - I beat Waity-Katy) and will be on a remote desert island while London grounds to a halt.

Enjoy.

Another country: same tube etiquette

Having just spent a week working in France, it was refreshing to see that the same lack of etiquette on public transport applies to that on our own tube:

- pushing/shoving to get on and off the carriage: check
- lack of eye contact and polite conversation: oh yes
- no apparent queuing system for seats or space: indeed
- unpleasant body odour: unfortunately so
- loud music: loud eurotrash music
- ill people spreading germs by not covering mouths: in abundance
- bags on seats: every which way - why am I even surprised?

I even had an elderly woman purposely poking me with a stick at each stop then cackling to herself. Perhaps she was trying to be friendly and I'm just being mean but there was something about her cackle and her unwillingness to speak to me apart from this that made me think perhaps not.

So, it leaves me with no other choice than to consider taking The Little Book of Tube Etiquette worldwide.  I always wanted to do something to help the planet, perhaps this is my contribution?

Le Petit Livre des règles de conduite Tube - catchy eh?

The Little Book of Tube etiquette: just fun or social commentary?

David Sexton's article in the Evening Standard on 24 February 2011 'All aboard the sardine can' discusses the behaviours of people on the tube.

He talks about the number of London Underground journeys potentially rising to a record 1.1 billion this year - 4 million every weekday with further rises of 7% every year.

This is a scary fact - one that will make regular commuters shudder at the prospect of our journeys to work becoming even more cramped and uncomfortable in what is already, let's face it, a constant invasion of our intimate personal space.

He also talks about The Little Book of Tube Etiquette as a jokey new guide but dismisses the notion of 'tube etiquette' as a misnomer because 'etiquette implies that there are social norms at work, imposed by a dominant group'. If we look at this description, Sexton is absolutely bang on. 

There are no social norms on the tube and the behaviours of tube users are at times baffling to me (and others).  My book is by no means meant to be a social commentary that, I think, Sexton is calling out for in his article. 

Rather, I have created a book which is basically a wish list for the way, in an ideal worrld, tube users would behave.  However, at no point is this meant to be a serious tome. It is, as Sexton rightly believes, my hopelessly enraged denunciations of what gets my goat as a commuter.

But what I also hope the book is however, is something that all commuters can identify with. It may be my 'hopelessly enraged denunciations' but it probably strikes a chord with others who feel the same way. People at my workplace (and, I'm sure, at others) often gather round the kitchen areas, drinking coffee, and complaining about their journey to work.

The Little Book of Tube Etiquette is meant to put these complaints and conversations into an observational humorous coffee table book.  Sexton needs a book that is a social commentary into why we behave as we do, and that's for someone to write with more of an interest in the drivers for behaviour, which isn't the theme of most of my coffee morning tube-related rants and chats. 

Sexton is right, most commuters just want to get to work as painlessly as possible and resort to playing one's music louder to block out the lack of personal space, but then this creates less personal space for others.

Let's face it, while we want a painless commute, we are never going to get it, particularly as the tube becomes steadfastly more cramped. I do accept this but this does not mean we all won't moan about it nevertheless.

I am happy to look at what simply annoys me about the lack of tube etiquette and make fun of it.

Perhaps my next book should delve deeper - but then, where's the fun in that?

Disused tube stations to be turned into 'Pleasure Palaces'

Reports last week surfaced that disused tube stations were to be turned into 'pleasure palaces'.  I'd like to know who out of these decision makers have ever travelled on the tube or been inside a tube station.

Unless they are going to knock down the entire building and start again, I simply cannot see anyone deriving any pleasure from these stinky, dark and cavernous spaces which had previously caused so much displeasure to users of the London Underground.

We already have a 'London Dungeon' which is the only sort of attraction I can see working in these buildings where mice roam freely as well as germs.

Even if these disused tube stations were completely gutted and renovated (which would take years and years to achieve properly), they will always bear remnants of the memories of being overcrowded in a stinky tunnel with many angry commuters bashing into each other, trying to get onto a tube to escape the unpleasantness.

Let's face it, noone goes to a tube station for the experience, it's part of an unpleasant journey to work for most of us, and we are desperate to get out of there.

I can't see, whatever the pleasure intended, there being an attraction about going to a tube station.  And don't get me started on who came up with the idea of the word 'palaces'.

'the wrong sort of dust': our tube announcements are getting progressively more ridiculous

Now I've heard some ridiculous excuses in my time for tubes being delayed on the London Underground but reports of the Waterloo and City line this week being delayed and then closed due to 'the wrong sort of dust on the line' definitely shoots into my all time top 20.

I suspect that there is a bank of excuses used for when the tube fails to be on time, is too busy or breaks down en route because to keep saying 'signal problems' for each and every delayed journey does not go down with commuters who wonder when these signals are ever going to be fixed.  So, instead we get a number of excuses that get recycled such as 'overcrowding on the platform', 'overrunning engineering works', ' and of course the 'signalling problems' every now and again.

But every now and again we get an absolute classic, like the wrong sort of dust which, instead of irritating those delayed (which they should), sometimes causes them to smile at the sheer stupidity of it. And it is for this reason that I think those announcements on the London Underground are sometimes deliberately ridiculous to try and ease the tension of the thousands of commuters affected.

Here are some of my all time favourite announcements on the tube:

'There are delays because... well it's the Central Line init'

'Right to whoever is holding the doors open, everyone wants to go to work. I don't care, I'm at work'

'There are delays to your journey because we are experiencing communication problems' (so COMMUNICATE!)

and, in the same vein as the dust one:

'I'm sorry that you are experiencing delays on your journey, we are experiencing the wrong sort of rain'

If you have heard ridiculous excuses for a delay on the London Underground which made you smile, send them through to LauraKing14@hotmail.com or post them on this blog.

The early bird catches the etiquette tube

Last week was a rather strenuous week at work and as a result I found myself catching some really early tubes. 

This is always a nicer experience than rush hour of course, but I was surprised to find that my fellow travellers had real manners pre 6.30am.

As I embarked at Woodford, there were plenty of seats available but noone had their bags on them - all were tucked away neatly by their feet. 

It was quiet: people were reading their newspapers without any invasive music pumping away and no mobile phones incessantly beeping or ringing with their ridiculous 80s style tv theme show tunes, and there were no hugely irriating loud and inane conversations to try and ignore. 

When a pregnant lady got on the tube at Liverpool Street to find that by then all the seats were occupied, a friendly gentleman to my right jumped up immediately to let her sit down, no shifty eyes around the other sitters waiting for someone to give in first as per normal journeys.

I even found myself smiling as I soaked up the last few minutes of me time before I got to work - something that is usually impossible on the daily commute.

As I disembarked at St. Paul's, people waited patiently on the platform before getting on the carriage and I was able to walk up the escalators to the station without having to ask people to move out the way and stand on the right.

When I arrived at my desk I think I felt the most relaxed ever after a commute to work.  As a result, my boss will be pleased to know, I will be travelling much earlier in the morning. 

Except for the odd occasion of course, when I need more ammunition for my blog!

Mobile phone signal underground: a whole new tube etiquette will be needed

Whose stupid idea is it to consider opening up mobile phone signals on the London Underground? 

While I touch on this in The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, we would need a whole new book to cover all the misdemeanours possible about this situation.

Aside from the obvious security concerns (it is well known that phone signals can remotely detonate explosives) this situation will also cause widespread discomfort for those that don't have their mobile phones permanently glued to their ears. 

Those who live outside of zone 2 will be used to hearing the screeching gossip, ridiculous 80s theme tune ring tones and repeated 'hellos' when the signal starts fading but it is always a pleasure when we approach central London and the signal finally becomes no more and we don't have to put up with this for the last few minutes before we get to work.

Now, I don't know about you, but I relish the last minutes of my personal space before I have to get to work and put on my polite face.  This is also partly why we don't speak to colleagues that we 'bump' into on the tube on the way to work.

This personal space is already vastly fading with the crammed tube carriages, filled with people's deafening music, over the shoulder Metro readers (sometimes also tube perverts), public displays of affection and body odour - which is especially pleasant in rush hour with your nose against an unwashed armpit.

Add to the mix a throng of people bent out of shape to get on the carriage with their mobiles glued to their ears and shouting down the phone and I'm pretty certain our commute to work is not going to get any more pleasant!

I think we need to start a petition to prevent this situation arising. I already have plenty of ammunition for blogs and tube etiquette without this can of worms being opened.