Loud man's conversation - and it went a little something like this...

The overground trains can be every bit as annoying as the tube. Particularly when you have to commute a long way as I do.

One of the worst journeys of recent weeks was a man shouting on his mobile for the entire hour-long journey to work.  It was so loud I could hear the other person's tone, although not their words, despite me sitting three rows back from him.

So, being as I was not going to get any work done through lack of concentration, or be able to snooze quietly through sheer disturbance, I amused myself by making up ridiculous sentences that the other person 'geezer' may have been saying. And it went a little something like this:

Rude man: 'alright geezer, how's it going?'
Geezer: 'well my life's a bit strange right now. I've just seen an alien.'
Rude man: 'you never. did you really? where?'
Geezer: 'in my garden, sitting in my chair, smoking a fag'
Rude man: 'smoking! what time was this?'
Geezer: 'about midnight last night. I swear it was an alien.'
Rude man: 'are you sure? it's pretty unlikely.'
Geezer: '100 per cent.'
Rude man 'hundred percent!'
Geezer: 'yep. it even waved at me.'
Rude man: 'what did you do. did you wave back?'
Geezer: 'yep. i didnt want to annoy it.'
Rude man: 'dam right. i'd have done the same thing geezer. What did he do then?'
Geezer: 'he wanted to come in for a pint.'
Rude man: 'i'd never have a pint with him.'
Geezer: 'well he seemed friendly enough so i invited him in.'
Rude man: 'you never!'
Geezer: 'I did. He then tried it on with my missus'
Rude man: 'that thing tried it on with your missus? I'd have kicked him silly until he saw stars.'
Geezer: 'he's probably seen a lot of stars though where he's from'
Rude man: 'true, true. good thinking. so what happened next? Does your missus know?'
Geezer: 'well he vanished. i told the missus but she wouldnt believe me?'
Rude man: 'you ain't a liar though'
Geezer: 'that's what i said'
Rude man: 'this whole thing is alien to me. i wouldn't take any of that ****'

I amused myself playing this game for about 50 minutes. Not my best creative work I'm sure but more fun than listening to the inane drivel that a one-sided conversation usually churns out. 

Guys - we dont want to hear your conversations - ever. I challenge others who are in this situation to make up the other side of the phonecall, it's much more fun, trust me.

Laura King is the author of The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, published by Gibson Publishing and available at Waterstones, Foyles, Amazon and a number of other online retailers and tourist shops.
Follow me @LauraKing14
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/