I want to break my own tube etiquette rules

Perhaps understandably, I've been quite a stickler for observing my own tube etiquette but recently I've found myself wanting to break one rule in particular rather frequently - that of talking to other people.

The etiquette states, quite clearly, that we do not talk to strangers on the tube - 'Londoners are rude, just deal with it'.

Perhaps because I've moved out of town and am only a pseudo-Londoner now, I find myself softening. Perhaps I shouldn't and cannot be a rude Londoner anymore now I live on the coast where everyone talks to each other and are 'good neighbours'.

Observing this etiquette has been pushed to the limit on various recent occasions:

- being stuck underground in a tunnel for 25 minutes on a two stop journey that should take just 3 minutes and henceforth missing my train.  I wanted desperately to start a rant off with some people standing next to me but that would also break another rule - we all understand as a rule of engagement that the tube is not usually on time and subject to problems and so tutting, swearing and exhaling loudly etc is not on...

- the budget: - having been locked away at work writing opinion reaction and content I desperately wanted to quiz random Londoners on what their views were to see if our corporate reaction was a general one

- most recent sporting results: I get very excited when I hear sporting news and results and feel the need to 'react' with others. This was particularly noticeable during the cricket world cup, whenever England play football and

- the Royal Wedding: I'm getting married two days before Wills and Kate (who stole our original date) and feel an inexplicable urge to discuss this every time I read something in the paper about how much their wedding is costing the taxpayer. Thank goodness I've not actually done it yet...

So what am I to do?

Either admit that I'm no longer a Londoner (which I do not think I'm going to be ready to do for a while yet)

Or reprint the next edition of my book with this rule caveated with a number of circumstances where it is, in fact, allowed.

Perhaps it's just secret option number three - continue to keep my big gob shut and hold back the frustration and excitement for when I 'disembark.'

Tube Etiquette: why shouldn't women do make up on the tube?

In response to The Londonist column about my book (see link http://londonist.com/2011/03/the-little-book-of-tube-etiquette.php), twitter has been alive with comments - mostly very positive, thanks for that - but also with rather a few people asking 'what is wrong with people doing their make up on the tube?'

I feel that, aside from clearly taking both The Little Book of Tube Etiquette and The Londonist article altogether too seriously, they have also missed the point.

Personally I don't care where people do their make up or what they look like beforehand.  What does irritate the crap out of me however is the continuous elbowing as one rummages through their exhaustive bottomless make up bag, then applies product after product for the entire journey to work, stopping only to brush blusher particles off their suit and on to mine.

I'm sure everyone has experienced this and I find it difficult to believe that those that asked why this is poor etiquette genuinely do not know the reasons behind it.  Perhaps they are opening up the subject to debate, hopeful that other women will back them up.

Well I'm a woman and I take two minutes to apply my make up in the comfort of my own home which I'm sure benefits everyone who has to look at me sans concealer anyway.

And for all those make-up appliers that protest, I also point out in my book that teachers marking homework in the morning with fidgety elbows should think twice too - do you agree?

Because the teachers seem to agree with me about make-up...funny isn't it?

my new tube etiquette hero

As readers of this blog may have cottoned on to by now, I often obsess about the right way to confront perennial rule breakers on the tube. However, I very rarely ever end up saying anything at all.

Enter my new hero.

Imagine the scenario - hot,  packed tube. I managed to get a seat at Oxford Circus (see my book for tips on how to) on a tube travelling on the Victoria Line to Victoria. Straight after me, pushing shoving and screeching, were no fewer than 12 Spanish teenagers complete with backpacks and extremely overexcited.

There was one seat next to me that these students barged their way to and four of them piled on to the one seat - boisterous boys all sat on top of eachother right next to me. I'm actually bruised from the incident.

Despite there being only two stops until Victoria, this tube was slow. Every second I was being elbowed and screeched across. The Spanish students were clearly slagging off, in their native language, everyone else in the carriage who dared to be present during their quite evident tube party. 

I caught the eye of an Irish woman standing opposite me who winked and said 'shall I teach them a lesson?'
I didn't really catch on to what she was talking about but nodded anyway and smiled back.

Just then one of the human pile ups on the next seat fell literally on top of me - arms flailing, elbows jabbing and instead of apologising laughed right in my face, which was by this time, I'm sure, purple with rage.

The Irish lady turned round to face the boys and delivered what can only be described as a flurry of perfect Spanish remonstrations, in a perfect Spanish accent, to picture perfect horrified faces who were clearly busted as she had understood everything they had said and they couldn't declare ignorance by pretending not to understand her.

This lady was polite, dignified and had the shock value. She is my new tube hero and I'm now even more determined to never confront a tube offender again - unless I can top this lady's performance.

Bravo.

tube etiquette: more essential in balmy weather

So it's been a pretty warm week for March: the sun is shining, people seem happy and walking is definitely preferable to using the tube - where possible.

For this means that the London Underground will undoubtedly be awash with the great unwashed. 

Having my nose planted against someone's unwashed armpit is a travesty at the best of times but in this sort of weather it's simply unbearable. 

I'm considering taking some air freshener or Febreze with me every time I travel on the tube but if I ever sprayed it people might think I was a terrorist, not simply someone who likes to smell something slightly better than body odour.

So what do we do about this situation? Some people may not know they smell, others may know but suffer BO no matter how many times they wash. I do not wish to upset or humiliate these poor people.  I merely wish to educate those who do not seem to care or do not wash about the importance of a clean armpit.

No doubt this situation is not helped by the need for an overcoat and jumper outside but then sweltering within them on the tube carriages themselves.

I find myself shivering at 6am when I get up and get the overground into town but then sweating as I get on to the packed tube for the last leg of my journey.  So, my own answer to this crisis is to dress light but have a mini hot water bottle for the first leg as extra cold protection.

I realise I am obsessing about this far too much.  Perhaps the more simple answer is to simply walk and not use the tube. But, on the times that I do, surely it's not too much to ask that my nostrils remain free of pungent stenches from those that can use soap and deodrant?

Tube Etiquette: to huff or not to huff?

I was on the tube this morning with the undoubted bonus of a seat which I settled into gratefully and started reading my paper.

Three stops into my journey the carriage became rather packed and I, being the good tube etiquette civilian that I am, checked there were no pregnant ladies or elderly people in need of a seat before, satisfied, I settled back into my paper.

What I didn’t bargain for was the lady with the biggest and surely the heaviest bag in the world using my shoulder as a resting place. 

I debated for a good five minutes what the right etiquette was for me to point out that this was neither comfortable nor acceptable.

I considered a well timed and audible huff and puff to see if she’d get the message but I discounted this on the basis that when other people do this it is annoying in itself.

I then imagined scenarios in my head where I said something to her in all varying degrees from politeness to sarcastic starting with ‘excuse me, I’m terribly sorry but your bag appears to be causing me some discomfort’ to ‘do I look like a bag rack to you’ but discounted them both – the first because it wasn’t strong enough and I’d leave myself open to bullying, quite possibly resulting in me losing my own seat; the second because the lady could actually agree that I did resemble a bag rack.

Eventually I decided that I would gently move the offending article which meant I would say nothing, avoid confrontation and let the lady know at the same time that it wasn’t the best arrangement for me and her bag. 

I very gently pushed the bag slightly away from me. But the damage was done. I was met with a hostile ‘calm down love it’s only a bag init, jeez’.

I must confess I had no idea how to answer that one without debating how heavy the bag was with her and asking her to take my place to see how annoying it was if the roles were reversed.

I confess I wish I’d done nothing now. And that’s what I did for the rest of the journey, nothing, complete with heavy bag on slightly aching shoulder.

Having a seat isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Tourists in London for April: spread the tube etiquette word

As the Royal Wedding approaches and by all accounts tourists begin flocking to London to take part in the charade, our tube network will surely be under increasing pressure.

This will only mean one thing - tube etiquette will suffer even more.  What should one expect? Well the same as usual x 100.

Imagine every tube journey, even non-rush hour, being akin to a sardine can, body odours and all.

Imagine everyone around you invading your personal space as they try to talk across you to each other in several different languages whilst having one earplug in - the other swaying round their necks still booming loud euro trash music. 

Imagine backpacks and luggage everywhere, taking up seats and in the last space left in the carriage where you may have just had enough room to squeeze on.

Imagine bags of shopping filled with commemorative mugs, tea towels, hats, t-shirts and other junk bumping into you every five seconds.

Imagine kids everywhere during rush hour as well as throughout the day as their parents drag them to the occasion, desperate for them to see a part of our ebbing Royalist history in action.

Imagine, whilst avoiding all the above, people taking photos of everything: from the tubes coming into the station to posing in the packed carriage, to posing in front of various signs within the rammed station concourse and platforms.

Now I’ve nothing against tourists but I think you’ll agree I’ve painted a rather vivid (and slightly terrifying) picture here. 

And that's just for a wedding - what about the Olympics next year? I think it's high time I followed the Evening Standard's advice and got working on some posters. Surely TfL would be grateful...

In fact, what I’m actually doing is the only sensible option and escaping the whole debacle. For I will be getting married two days earlier (yes - I beat Waity-Katy) and will be on a remote desert island while London grounds to a halt.

Enjoy.

Another country: same tube etiquette

Having just spent a week working in France, it was refreshing to see that the same lack of etiquette on public transport applies to that on our own tube:

- pushing/shoving to get on and off the carriage: check
- lack of eye contact and polite conversation: oh yes
- no apparent queuing system for seats or space: indeed
- unpleasant body odour: unfortunately so
- loud music: loud eurotrash music
- ill people spreading germs by not covering mouths: in abundance
- bags on seats: every which way - why am I even surprised?

I even had an elderly woman purposely poking me with a stick at each stop then cackling to herself. Perhaps she was trying to be friendly and I'm just being mean but there was something about her cackle and her unwillingness to speak to me apart from this that made me think perhaps not.

So, it leaves me with no other choice than to consider taking The Little Book of Tube Etiquette worldwide.  I always wanted to do something to help the planet, perhaps this is my contribution?

Le Petit Livre des règles de conduite Tube - catchy eh?