The LIttle Book of Tube Etiquette: observations of a very hot and humid week

I try to avoid the London Underground wherever possible, particularly when it's as hot and clammy as it has been of late. Whether it's rainy or not, I'll try and walk to work from London Bridge overground.

When, however, I have to get to the West End and I dont have the ability to get a taxi or walk in time and all other transport options have failed me, I do surrender and hop on the central line towards the West.

And it is here that I witnessed some very disturbing things this past hot and humid week:

1. Woman sitting opposite me without underwear on (quite clearly). Yes it is hot but there is simply no excuse - you are not Sharon Stone, believe me.

2. Man eating some sort of stew in rush hour. Firstly how do you stomach hot stew in this weather and secondly, and most importantly, it is pretty disgusting at the best of times eating even a snack on the hot smelly sticky tube, but in 100 degree heat and shovelling down a full dinner? I think not.

3. People with dogs. Dogs are meant to be walked not commuting and if you think you're hot rammed up against someone's stenchy armpit, then times it by 50 and you're probably close to what your supposed 'best friend' is feeling like right now. Dogs overheat much quicker than humans and the reason their tongues are lolling out and we can see clouds of heat coming off them isn't that they are in fine physical condition. Think twice and walk, that's what dogs like to do.

4. People in winter overcoats. I'm not sure why you are wearing a winter coat in this weather at all but it's certainly not a good idea to wait until you are on the train in a rammed carriage then decide to disenrobe while smacking everyone around you and huffing loudly that you're hot.

5. Public Displays of Affection. Wrong on our dirty and stinky tube carriages at the best of times but in this sort of wall of dense heat? Gross people, just gross.

Is it me or has the weather brought on silly season? It's hot, let's not make it worse for everyone else. 

Follow me on Twitter @LauraKing14
The Little Book of Tube Etiquette can be bought at retailers including http://www.http//www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Book-Tube-Etiquette/dp/0956710107/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309198983&sr=8-1
http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/
http://www.self-publish-my-book.co.uk/

The Little Book of Tube Etiquette – sometimes breaking the rules can be funny

Some of you readers will remember my blog of a few weeks ago whereby my slightly sozzled hiccups and subsequent giggles got the better of me.

I have since witnessed a drunken tube event which made me cry actual tears of laughter.

Picture another late night, me not so drunk as before, but the man sitting opposite me definitely so.  He is at least six and a half feet tall and is sitting down in the middle of a row filled with smaller (normal sized) people. The tube is busy, full of people making their way home after a night out.

This man, long limbs sprawled out, has fallen asleep and is snoring, intertwined with muttering under his breath. The carriage is quiet; a lot of people are sleeping or reading books.

Suddenly, this man lets out a scream and his long arms and legs do something of a star shape. This sets off a chain reaction. Like dominoes going along the seating people let off funny sounds, varying degrees of squeals and yelps, some jumping out of their seats, some just twitching as they wake up.

It was literally the funniest tube etiquette rule break I’ve ever seen. A carriage of human dominoes, like a demented Mexican wave of sleeping or drunk people.

And so I’ve decided, not all tube etiquette is the same degree of unacceptable, hence why The Little Book of Tube Etiquette is split into different tolerances – the ‘unacceptables’ the ‘justcommonsensicals’ etc.

Some rule breaks are justified for entertainment purposes and I would pay to watch them over and over again. I just wished I’d broken another rule and got my phone out to tape the sequence – perfect You Tube fodder.

http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/
http://www.self-publish-my-book.co.uk/
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Book-Tube-Etiquette/dp/0956710107/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1309170478&sr=8-1

When bugbears can turn you into an author

I've been reflecting for some time now on how my irritations with the London Underground became fodder for my book The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, which has been published for six months now.

Every day we use the tube and every day I used to get wound up over someone's behaviour. So, on a rainy, wet night my friends and I discussed our 'pet peeves' over a bottle (or three) of wine and sure enough the tube came up in conversation.

We started writing which rules should be put in place on the back of a serviette.  A few weeks later when I was dry cleaning my suit, I found the serviette and, with a smile on my face, I began to play around with the rules. The manuscript lay untouched for another six months until my boyfriend, now husband, found the document on our computer at home.

He fell about laughing and when I came home from work, he started to add some of his own ideas. Together we made some amends and when we were satisfied with it, he pressurised me to publish it.  What I should probably mention here is that he's a publisher and so it didn't take much convincing.

His company http://www.gibsonpublishing.co.uk/ (or http://www.self-publish-my-book.co.uk/) specialise in self-publishing and so he was able to commission one of his illustrators, the very talented Pete Duffield (http://www.peteduffieldcreative.com/) to bring all my weird and wonderful characters to life. And, did he! He even put me, my husband and some of my friends in - all in larger than life charicature form!

Rather than this being a shameless plug for Pete or my husband's business (although by all means visit their websites if you're interested!), the point is that everyone has a book in them.

The Little Book of Tube Etiquette is now available online at a number of retailers and, thanks to my husband's know-how, was featured in a host of magazines, website reviews and national newspapers all with pretty good reviews.  As such, my book has been selling rather well and we've made back the publishing costs already. He's done the same for a lot of other people.

So, if you've written a book, or if you just have a bugbear that can be turned into something pretty funny, don't be disheartened by the stress of trying to find a publisher where the odds of getting a book deal can be rather out of your favour (Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, saw hundreds of publishers before someone saw the potential in her books and she strongly believes that it was luck with that one), self-publishing can be the way to realise your dream of being an author and get your work out there in the public eye.  It needn't be expensive, with the right advice and placing you can make your money back quickly and, if you do strike a deal with a big retailer, you really can make it.  Some self-publishers take royalties but good ones don't so all the money you make from selling your books is your own.

We are currently in talks with a number of retailers who have shown a strong interest in The Little Book of Tube Etiquette for their Christmas stock.  Wish me luck!

But, most importantly, self-publishing can work if you give it a try and be prepared to put your own work out there - just make sure you do your research and choose a good self-publisher that gives you plenty of advice and support whilst remaining true to your work.

I believe in tube karma...

As quotes of the week go, it was a winner. My husband, returning from a night out in London came home in rather a strop after his tube journey.

'You know it's going to be a nightmare journey when you can see the sweat stains on someone on the tube from the platform.' Classic.

As luck would have it, the only place available was standing right next to this person with his nose pressed against the offending armpit.

Disgusting, you might say. I'd agree. Particularly as said husband was carrying an enormous hangover whereby even the slightest stench could produce stomach-churning nausea.

However, knowing my husband as I do, I decided to question him on the rest of his journey.

I was right to do so. 

Before getting on this tube, he had begun his journey on another, less packed carriage where he was lucky to get a seat. Bearing in mind he had been drinking into the early hours of that morning, he was producing a stale alcohol stench eminating from his sweatpores. I can testify to this having smelt him the minute he walked into the house. Obviously, I sent him for a shower immediately. So I'm sure his own scent did not impress his own fellow travellers.

Not only this, it transpires that in his hungover state he had purchased 'the only thing drinkable on a hangover' - an orange Lucozade - and a newspaper.  Reading the newspaper on the tube, he felt dizzy and glugged his Lucozade before stupidly putting it down on the floor. 

Off it rolled down the carriage to the annoyance of the other passengers who apparently all death-stared him to retrieve it. Yet, in his hungover state, he merely left it rolling round the carriage bumping into everyone's feet.

My hot and bothered husband then broke a number of my tube etiquette rules by huffing and puffing continuously, fanning himself with the newspaper and fidgeting constantly - no doubt annoying everyone sitting around him.

So, to get back to my point - I believe in tube karma. My husband, having broken all these rules and annoyed everyone on the first tube, then found himself wedged up against a sweat-stained armpit on the second.

Judge for yourselves ladies and gentleman.