'what they say about the tube is true' - tube etiquette for newcomers

It's Thursday evening on the Victoria line towards Victoria overground station and all tubes are being held on their platforms. No information is available - from the announcers or on the dashboards. All around me are people muttering expletives, sighing with huge gusts of air and shaking their heads periodically as they look around trying to catch other people's eyes for a mutual look of disgust at the London Underground's latest delays.

I stand there taking it all in, giggling to myself at the rule in The Little Book of Tube Etiquette which states as a rule of engagement in using the tube we know that the trains will inevitably be delayed, that the dashboards are always incorrect (roughly two to three minutes to every minute displayed) and that the announcers seem to have a bank full of different excuses that they churn out in regular cycles to try and explain what is inexplainable and so armed with this knowledge the habitual swearing, shaking of one's head and sighing should be limited.

However, even I admit that this situation had me muttering one or two choice words.  And it is now going to happen every day. Yes folks, it is even advised that for the entire year of 2011 we should be avoiding the Victoria Line in rush hour due to there being only one escalator we can access.  What's more, if you want to change lines at Victoria tube station now, you will have to walk for 15 minutes via a maze of underground tunnels and walkways.  They hope the renovations will be finished in time for the 2012 olympics but there are many doubters.

When I finally managed to get on a tube (it took over 40 minutes to get two stops down the line) we all piled on in sardine fashion, cramped more than ever before, and the experience was totally summed up in one American's drawl: 'what they say about the tube is true'.

I'm not sure which part of this horrific experience the lady was referring to in particular but it didn't matter. The point is, she had the tube nailed. Everything you hear is true - no matter how weird, wacky or frustrating. And that should be the welcome message for tourists.

Tube etiquette for dogs

I'll start this blog by saying unconditionally I am a dog lover. I have one, he's wonderful. However, I do not impose my dog on other people, least of all strangers.

Which brings me to last Friday. I was waiting patiently (of course) for passengers to 'disembark' (there goes that strange word again) the tube at Moorgate from a fairly packed rush hour carriage.  The lady next to me, also waiting to get on the tube, had a gorgeous multi-coloured setter of some sort, on a lead.

So far, so good you might think - nice friendly dog, on a lead waiting to get on the tube.

WRONG.

This dog was yapping along the doors of the carriage, tripping every one up who was getting off and in some cases preventing people from disembarking while pushing in front of those (I included) waiting to get on. The owner then let it bound on before the last person had stepped off - the number one rule break remember folks - then let it sit on the only seat left available.

This is pretty poor etiquette in itself but the creature then went on to clamber around the seats and the laps of the poor fellow travellers shoving its snout in their faces while the owner stood there beaming with pride and laughing at its antics.

I can't express how big a no-no this is.  I wondered with astonishment why nobody said anything but I guess that is also part of the desire never to strike up a conversation with anyone else that our London Underground is so famous for.  Luckily I was several rammed armpits away not to be directly assaulted by the dog, cute as it had originally looked.

I got off at London Bridge for my overground journey home, thinking that I should have walked again and kept up my New Year's resolution.

But then, I couldn't share with you my experiences of the Underground could I...

In summary: cute dog, not for travelling. Thanks.

Tube Etiquette: help the injured

We all understand as a rule of engagement that the tube can be a pretty unpleasant place and that it is normally each man for his own.  I have also written in The Little Book of Tube Etiquette that 'Londoners are rude, deal with it.'

There are, of course, some pretty major exceptions and that includes the walking wounded.  Who, in their right mind, thinks it is ok to push past and avoid giving up their seat to a girl on crutches?

This is the scenario my friend Kat has found herself in.  Kat broke her ankle two weeks before Christmas and recently came back to work a couple of weeks ago.  Every day she hobbles in on her crutches using the London Underground.  To date, just three people have helped her on the tube or offered her a seat.

Come on Londoners - pushing the rudeness a bit far now aren't we?

Rush hour is unpleasant of course, but some people don't have the ability to pick and choose when they travel (unlike most tourists - another discussion point started in the book which I will blog about another time) and if it is clear that they are injured - a massive moon boot and crutches is a pretty good signal - we should be a little less selfish.

If I do write a follow up to The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, poor Kat and her crutches will absolutely be immortalized in it.

In the meantime, if you do see someone hobbling along, think twice before you barge them out the way or take the last free seat...

Tube Etiquette: I've broken my vow

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who has bought the book since the Evening Standard recommended it as essential reading for all commuters.   Hopefully the book will also be coming to a shop near you soon...watch this space...in the meantime it is still available on most book distribution websites including amazon.co.uk

So, I've actually broken my vow of not using the tube in January and broken it in spectacular style with three tube journeys in a week.  To be fair, I broke it for my friends who I was meeting in the West End and I knew I'd be late if I walked from the City.  Then, once I'd broken it, it seemed silly not to use it again once or twice. However, after etiquette observations on these travels, I am back to walking for a while.

It is clear from my book that I can be pretty intolerant of other people's tube rule breakages, however, I am stating for the record that I NEVER condone shouting and swearing at those guilty of a tube offence.  A gentle poke in the ribs perhaps when required, a polite comment to one's face definitely, but that's the limit.

So, imagine my horror yesterday when, having waited for all passengers to disembark the tube at London Bridge, I embarked (I'll come on to that later) and was politely asking the lady in front of me to move down the carriage to let the heaving throng behind me on too when the person behind me screeched down my ear 'For f***'s sake, just push them down you silly cow'. Horrified.

Had this person whispered something slightly less rude to me I would have giggled with them conspiratorially but I was so horrified that my normal put-down response completely escaped me.

So, here's a lesson to us all - etiquette in the right places, without the abuse. Thanks.

p.s. which brings me on to the word  'embark' - who the hell uses this in normal every day language? Mystified.

Tube Etiquette: essential for the Olympics according to The Evening Standard

It's nice to see the Evening Standard picking up on and endorsing The Little Book of Tube Etiquette with Richard Godwin saying the following on thisislondon.co.uk:

Speaking of the Underground, I'd recommended a quick butcher's at The Little Book Of Tube Etiquette by Laura King (Gibson Publishing).

In fact, it should be compulsory reading for all commuters. “Don't eat on the Tube: that's disgusting — have you no shame?”, begins one winning entry. “If you are massively overweight, please do not sit down.” Hear, hear! “Don't talk to strangers. Londoners are rude — just deal with it.” Can we put that on a series of posters, in time for the Olympics?

I think Richard's got the right idea - we should have a series of special posters with tube etiquette on for the Olympics.

After all, the London Underground will be inundated with extra travellers during the summer of 2012 and most of these will clearly have no idea about how to behave.

Perhaps that should be my next project...

The Tube in wet weather: surely lethal?

I almost caved in on my New Year's resolution this morning - to see how long I could get away with not using the tube on my daily commute.  This is my second day back and the thundering rain made me want to give in already.

However, as I disembarked the train at London Bridge at about 8.30am I saw the queues of people streaming down the escalators (on both sides blocking the entrance).

I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I knew what would be waiting: a heaving throng of angry commuters pushing and shoving their way onto the platform and preventing people getting off the tube by trying to stream on as soon as the doors opened while passengers on the tube refuse to give up space by moving down the carriage which only caused those waiting on the platform to get more angry. Then when I added the presence of hundreds of umbrellas being waved around and used to bump into each other to the mix, the whole scene seemed pretty lethal.

It gave me shivers just thinking about it.

And so, with a sigh, I diverted my course and trudged along London Bridge to Moorgate. Looking like a drowned rat by the time I got to work was nothing compared with what I would have had to face Underground.

New Year: New Etiquette

I have had much feedback from those that bought my book The Little Book of Tube Etiquette as a Christmas stocking filler and thanks to all of you.

I particularly liked the email from someone who faced eight dogs on one tube, taking up seats, space and stinking.  The person who said no to backpacks on the tube however, I'm not so sure about - we aren't all terrorists...

The idea of having a separate carriage or even separate tube itself for football fans on big match nights is genius and certainly worth a mention to Boris J - I've been the victim of a district line frenzy on a Wednesday evening going towards Fulham and I'm a Chelsea fan myself but there was no need for that level of raucousness!

I am always looking for new Tube etiquette ideas to keep my blog updated and perhaps for inclusion in a second book so email any ideas to LauraKing14@hotmail.com or post them here.

The Little Book of Tube Etiquette is available at http://www.amazon.co.uk/ for £8.99

Christmas tube etiquette

I normally take the Tube every day either to or from London Bridge to work in Moorgate and walk the other journey to get some exercise.  However, over Christmas, it became necessary to walk both journies, even despite the severe weather: wind, ice and snow.

I know tube etiquette is normally lacking but over Christmas it became truly dismal.  Although tis the season to be jolly, there were so many highly strung and obnoxious people using the London Underground that I had to take myself out of it to keep sane.

The carriages were busier than usual, everyone had multiple shopping bags, we were all wearing many more layers which became intensely hot when all crammed in together sardine-style underground.  All of this translated into pushing, shoving and then a lot of shouting at each other.

I jumped on an already busy tube carriage a few days before my Christmas holidays began and as quick as lightning encountered two fully grown adults full-on screaming at each other because one may or may not have accidently bumped the other. I mean, for goodness sakes, accidental bumping - really worth losing all self control and dignity?  I really hoped that one of them would suddenly realised one of their colleagues was standing nearby and had witnessed their total lack of maturity.

So when the holidays came and I no longer had to trudge through the snow and blistering winds across London Bridge to avoid this drama, I rejoiced.  Now, as the holidays draw to an end, I dread the inevitable post-Christmas and January blues that will mean the Tube once again is a place to avoid...

The Little Book of Tube Etiquette is out now at http://www.amazon.co.uk/ priced at £8.99