Enjoy the Royal Wedding tube crush - I'm off

While you are trying to get around London in 26 degrees heat and the Tube is rammed full of tourists with cameras and backpacks, talking excitedly about the Royal Wedding, I will be lying on a beach, cocktail in hand, elated that my own wedding is out of the way and I'm missing the whole debacle.

Sure it would have been nice to see Kate and Wills say 'I do' after all these years but I'm afraid I just don't care enough to tune in on my honeymoon.

I certainly won't miss the inevitable tube crush as hoardes of well-wishers descend upon London town for the occasion.   I'm sure every line will suffer delays, carriages will be stuck underground in tunnels, there will be frequent stops for fainters, and we will have the annual debate about whether air conditioning should be mandatory on all tubes and water bottles sold underground.

I urge all Londoners to avoid this nightmarish scenario and walk from location to location - leave the tube to the tourists who don't know how close together everything is and need to check a map at each Underground station.

So enjoy the Royal Wedding London, and I'll enjoy mine. Back at the end of May.

Tube Crush: a gross invasion of tube etiquette or merely a bit of fun?

So details have emerged of a new website entitled ‘tube crush’ whereby females take photos of unsuspecting males and post them on the internet at http://www.tubecrush.net/

I am unsure of where I stand on this sort of behaviour.

On the one hand, if this were predominantly males taking photos of woman and posting them (without permission) on a website, I’m sure there would be uproar.  It certainly brings the sexist debate to a head.

In The Little Book of Tube Etiquette I acknowledge that drunken flirting and speaking to strangers is not the done thing. However, this is neither, it is more underhand but no doubt flattering to those snapped and posted and on the face of it, harmless fun.

When I was doing research for my book and taking sly pictures of people on the London Underground to demonstrate poor etiquette and as inspiration for our illustrator, I’m sure I didn’t manage to go unnoticed.  I felt that people were suspicious of me pointing my phone in their direction no matter how subtle I tried to be.  And those pictures weren’t even published anywhere. So now if you are a male and someone is behaving suspiciously with a mobile, there is every chance they are not a terrorist or tourist and in fact, just eyeing you up for the website.

Perhaps we should just enjoy it and hope that sexist groups don’t ruin the fun.

Dearest Tube: I'm sorry

This is probably the only time I'll say this but I'm sorry tube, I forgive you for all that you've done.

In a week where warm weather has encouraged people to walk the length of the London Underground instead of actually use it, I've encountered all sorts of hazards which has made me realise that the lack of tube etiquette is not the only problem on my daily commute: walking has its own lack of etiquette to deal with.

Walking from London Bridge to St Pauls and back every day this week has unearthed all other sorts of irritating behaviour for which I am compelled to take a view on walking etiquette too:

1. We need a fast and slow lane for pavements - when shuffling along at not exactly breakneck speed, I felt the urge to 'moo' as if I was in a herd of cows, that is the only way to describe the trudge over London Bridge last Tuesday morning. It was impossible to overtake anyone and I was not the only person desperately trying to go faster than 1mph.
2. Despite the hot weather, when there's a tiny spattering of rain people must realise that umbrellas are a hazard and try not to poke other walkers' eyes out.
3. Prams and pushchairs - these are not supposed to be weapons, you have your beloved children in them, so don't use them as your means to barge people out of the way.
4. When standing at the edge of busy roads, try to let those who have crossed actually get on to the pavement - is your resistance to give up your space worth someone actually being killed when they finally get through the shuffle to the other side - no? didn't think so.
5. Smokers, please do not throw your finished cigarettes behind you without a moment's thought to the woman shuffling along in their direct flightpath. Ouch, and just not on.

So with these in mind, I now have to make a careful decision come Monday's commute, to walk or tube? Each have their perils but which is the lesser of two evils?