The Little Book of Tube etiquette: just fun or social commentary?

David Sexton's article in the Evening Standard on 24 February 2011 'All aboard the sardine can' discusses the behaviours of people on the tube.

He talks about the number of London Underground journeys potentially rising to a record 1.1 billion this year - 4 million every weekday with further rises of 7% every year.

This is a scary fact - one that will make regular commuters shudder at the prospect of our journeys to work becoming even more cramped and uncomfortable in what is already, let's face it, a constant invasion of our intimate personal space.

He also talks about The Little Book of Tube Etiquette as a jokey new guide but dismisses the notion of 'tube etiquette' as a misnomer because 'etiquette implies that there are social norms at work, imposed by a dominant group'. If we look at this description, Sexton is absolutely bang on. 

There are no social norms on the tube and the behaviours of tube users are at times baffling to me (and others).  My book is by no means meant to be a social commentary that, I think, Sexton is calling out for in his article. 

Rather, I have created a book which is basically a wish list for the way, in an ideal worrld, tube users would behave.  However, at no point is this meant to be a serious tome. It is, as Sexton rightly believes, my hopelessly enraged denunciations of what gets my goat as a commuter.

But what I also hope the book is however, is something that all commuters can identify with. It may be my 'hopelessly enraged denunciations' but it probably strikes a chord with others who feel the same way. People at my workplace (and, I'm sure, at others) often gather round the kitchen areas, drinking coffee, and complaining about their journey to work.

The Little Book of Tube Etiquette is meant to put these complaints and conversations into an observational humorous coffee table book.  Sexton needs a book that is a social commentary into why we behave as we do, and that's for someone to write with more of an interest in the drivers for behaviour, which isn't the theme of most of my coffee morning tube-related rants and chats. 

Sexton is right, most commuters just want to get to work as painlessly as possible and resort to playing one's music louder to block out the lack of personal space, but then this creates less personal space for others.

Let's face it, while we want a painless commute, we are never going to get it, particularly as the tube becomes steadfastly more cramped. I do accept this but this does not mean we all won't moan about it nevertheless.

I am happy to look at what simply annoys me about the lack of tube etiquette and make fun of it.

Perhaps my next book should delve deeper - but then, where's the fun in that?

Disused tube stations to be turned into 'Pleasure Palaces'

Reports last week surfaced that disused tube stations were to be turned into 'pleasure palaces'.  I'd like to know who out of these decision makers have ever travelled on the tube or been inside a tube station.

Unless they are going to knock down the entire building and start again, I simply cannot see anyone deriving any pleasure from these stinky, dark and cavernous spaces which had previously caused so much displeasure to users of the London Underground.

We already have a 'London Dungeon' which is the only sort of attraction I can see working in these buildings where mice roam freely as well as germs.

Even if these disused tube stations were completely gutted and renovated (which would take years and years to achieve properly), they will always bear remnants of the memories of being overcrowded in a stinky tunnel with many angry commuters bashing into each other, trying to get onto a tube to escape the unpleasantness.

Let's face it, noone goes to a tube station for the experience, it's part of an unpleasant journey to work for most of us, and we are desperate to get out of there.

I can't see, whatever the pleasure intended, there being an attraction about going to a tube station.  And don't get me started on who came up with the idea of the word 'palaces'.

'the wrong sort of dust': our tube announcements are getting progressively more ridiculous

Now I've heard some ridiculous excuses in my time for tubes being delayed on the London Underground but reports of the Waterloo and City line this week being delayed and then closed due to 'the wrong sort of dust on the line' definitely shoots into my all time top 20.

I suspect that there is a bank of excuses used for when the tube fails to be on time, is too busy or breaks down en route because to keep saying 'signal problems' for each and every delayed journey does not go down with commuters who wonder when these signals are ever going to be fixed.  So, instead we get a number of excuses that get recycled such as 'overcrowding on the platform', 'overrunning engineering works', ' and of course the 'signalling problems' every now and again.

But every now and again we get an absolute classic, like the wrong sort of dust which, instead of irritating those delayed (which they should), sometimes causes them to smile at the sheer stupidity of it. And it is for this reason that I think those announcements on the London Underground are sometimes deliberately ridiculous to try and ease the tension of the thousands of commuters affected.

Here are some of my all time favourite announcements on the tube:

'There are delays because... well it's the Central Line init'

'Right to whoever is holding the doors open, everyone wants to go to work. I don't care, I'm at work'

'There are delays to your journey because we are experiencing communication problems' (so COMMUNICATE!)

and, in the same vein as the dust one:

'I'm sorry that you are experiencing delays on your journey, we are experiencing the wrong sort of rain'

If you have heard ridiculous excuses for a delay on the London Underground which made you smile, send them through to LauraKing14@hotmail.com or post them on this blog.

The early bird catches the etiquette tube

Last week was a rather strenuous week at work and as a result I found myself catching some really early tubes. 

This is always a nicer experience than rush hour of course, but I was surprised to find that my fellow travellers had real manners pre 6.30am.

As I embarked at Woodford, there were plenty of seats available but noone had their bags on them - all were tucked away neatly by their feet. 

It was quiet: people were reading their newspapers without any invasive music pumping away and no mobile phones incessantly beeping or ringing with their ridiculous 80s style tv theme show tunes, and there were no hugely irriating loud and inane conversations to try and ignore. 

When a pregnant lady got on the tube at Liverpool Street to find that by then all the seats were occupied, a friendly gentleman to my right jumped up immediately to let her sit down, no shifty eyes around the other sitters waiting for someone to give in first as per normal journeys.

I even found myself smiling as I soaked up the last few minutes of me time before I got to work - something that is usually impossible on the daily commute.

As I disembarked at St. Paul's, people waited patiently on the platform before getting on the carriage and I was able to walk up the escalators to the station without having to ask people to move out the way and stand on the right.

When I arrived at my desk I think I felt the most relaxed ever after a commute to work.  As a result, my boss will be pleased to know, I will be travelling much earlier in the morning. 

Except for the odd occasion of course, when I need more ammunition for my blog!

Mobile phone signal underground: a whole new tube etiquette will be needed

Whose stupid idea is it to consider opening up mobile phone signals on the London Underground? 

While I touch on this in The Little Book of Tube Etiquette, we would need a whole new book to cover all the misdemeanours possible about this situation.

Aside from the obvious security concerns (it is well known that phone signals can remotely detonate explosives) this situation will also cause widespread discomfort for those that don't have their mobile phones permanently glued to their ears. 

Those who live outside of zone 2 will be used to hearing the screeching gossip, ridiculous 80s theme tune ring tones and repeated 'hellos' when the signal starts fading but it is always a pleasure when we approach central London and the signal finally becomes no more and we don't have to put up with this for the last few minutes before we get to work.

Now, I don't know about you, but I relish the last minutes of my personal space before I have to get to work and put on my polite face.  This is also partly why we don't speak to colleagues that we 'bump' into on the tube on the way to work.

This personal space is already vastly fading with the crammed tube carriages, filled with people's deafening music, over the shoulder Metro readers (sometimes also tube perverts), public displays of affection and body odour - which is especially pleasant in rush hour with your nose against an unwashed armpit.

Add to the mix a throng of people bent out of shape to get on the carriage with their mobiles glued to their ears and shouting down the phone and I'm pretty certain our commute to work is not going to get any more pleasant!

I think we need to start a petition to prevent this situation arising. I already have plenty of ammunition for blogs and tube etiquette without this can of worms being opened.